Let’s face it, guys are gross. They’re hairy, smelly, and usually have some pretty revolting habits – and that’s in public. Have you ever wondered what new heights of grossness gents are capable of reaching when they’re alone? Hazard a guess, then multiply it by a million. Yep. That level.
That’s only one side of it. When guys feel comfortable in a loving, committed relationship, the rose-tinted glasses come off and the honeymoon period dies a death. Then, even more disgusting habits come out. By that point, you’re in too deep to leave them and run away in terror. It’s a very clever game, and unfortunately, we get played like a fiddle.
If you’re female, before you read this list, I would seriously consider how it’s going to affect your ability to ever share a bed, a kiss, or the same room with the male of the species ever again. It’s not for the fainthearted. It’s not for the weak. But, if you want to know what he really gets up to, or simply find out if his habits are commonplace, then you’re in the right place. If you’re male, I would consider this list the same as taking a long, hard look in the mirror.
I’ve scoured internet forums, talked to my best guy friends (AKA offenders), and interrogated my married girlfriends to get the dirty, dirty scoop.
Here are 10 things that guys do when they’re alone, and 10 more they do once they’re in a committed relationship.
20. THEY GRAB THEIR BALLS
Like, all the time. If they’re alone, kicking back and watching TV, you can guarantee there’s a hand in their boxers, just fiddling about with their junk, in an entirely non-sexual way (depending on what they’re watching, I suppose). I’ve been told it’s comforting by my male friends. I guess it’s similar to girls playing with their hair, or babies with pacifiers. The male genitalia has three major uses. 1, sex, 2, peeing and 3, to be played with by their owner. The worst part? THEY NEVER WASH THEIR HANDS AFTER. So, next time you’re sat next to a girl on the sofa, don’t share a bag of chips without having some antibacterial gel handy.
19. THEN THEY SMELL THEIR HANDS
Yep. They grab their balls, then they scratch them and SNIFF THEIR HANDS. Because clearly, they get some sort of gratification out of the smell of their own sweaty ball sacks. If they can get away with it, and there’s no one else around, they will do it. As sure as the earth is round, they will do it. Don’t get me wrong, girls have their habits too. However, I’m pretty sure I can count on the majority of the female population when I say, we definitely do not sit around smelling our own vaginas. I want some answers, dudes. Why do you do it? Answers on a postcard. Actually, don’t write a postcard. I know where your hands have been.
18. POOP WITH THE DOOR OPEN
If there’s no one in the house then it’s straight to the throne room to take a luxurious dump and stink out the whole place. My internet research tells me that this is a pretty common thing among males, who spend a lot of time on the toilet when we’re not around. One poster I found said that he uses this precious toilet time to catch up on all of the things that are important – like keeping up with his Tinder matches. Think about that next time you get a message from Tom, 28. He’s just sat on the toilet, and thought of you immediately.
17. SNIFFING UNDERWEAR TO SEE IF THEY CAN WEAR IT AGAIN
Single guys should technically have impeccable hygiene. That is, if they want to find a girlfriend. Stinking to high heaven is generally considered a turn off – no, we don’t care about pheromones but we also don’t want you to smell like you’ve taken a bath in aftershave, either. We just want you to be clean. Clean underwear is an essential part of this. If you’re not together enough to change your underwear, how can we trust you to adult? So, when I found out this common habit, it’s safe to say I almost threw up in my mouth. Guys, really? I’m shocked.
16. JERKING OFF AND WIPING IT ON ANYTHING IN REACH
IT’S TRUE. I HEARD IT FROM THE HORSE’S MOUTH. One of my guy friends proudly proclaimed this a few years ago during a group conversation. They crack one out, then wipe the results of their day’s work on whatever is nearest. A sock, a t-shirt, a kitchen towel. Anything. My friend’s justification? ‘It will just go in the wash anyway.’ Please, for the love of God, invest in some Kleenex and give the textiles a break. The last thing a girl wants is to date a guy whose house is a semen-encrusted odyssey that smells of sweat and misused socks.
15. LEAVING THE TOILET SEAT DOWN WHEN THEY PEE TO TEST THEIR AIM
Have you noticed that a lot of this list so far has been penis related? Me too. If there isn’t a lady present, then guys will happily partake in a game of pee-through-the-seat. Why? They like playing with their wieners and this is a game where they can really let loose. It’s sort of like one of those fairground games, like hook a duck, or ring tossing, but it’s free and they can do it in the comfort of their own home. After all, who cares if there’s a little splash back. The only one who is going to be sitting on the pee soaked seat is them, right?
14. SCRATCHING THEIR BEARDS AND MAKING IT RAIN DANDRUFF
Didn’t think we knew this one? Think again. There’s nowhere to hide. We know everything. Beards are itchy, and if it’s one thing every guy with a beard has done, it’s having a good scratch and watching the dandruff fall out onto their laps. It’s oddly fascinating for them, like a snow globe at Christmas. I have sat in a waiting room, across the hall from a guy who thought he was alone – but oh, I was watching. He scratched, he watched it rain little bits of white dead skin (nauseous yet?) onto his lap and brushed it off onto the floor after admiring it for a moment. The worst part? When he left, someone else sat in that seat. The horror.
13. PEEING IN A BOTTLE BECAUSE THE TOILET IS TOO FAR AWAY
According to the online community, this is another commonplace act of Satan that guys partake in, if there is no one else to see them do it. Maybe some women even would if it was physically viable, I don’t know. I can’t speak for everyone, but I would much rather take a pee in a toilet than have a festering bottle of piss live in the same room as me. What do they do with the piss? Where does it go? Do they put the bottle top back on and keep it as an ornament? Do they empty it out to be reused again? Chamber pots were a thing once, but that was before inside toilets. If you have an inside toilet, please use it, I implore you.
12. FARTING AND APPRECIATING THEIR OWN SCENT
I enjoy a comedic fart as much as the next person. Growing up with an older brother taught me nothing, if it didn’t teach me that God made farting hilarious. It also taught me that guys love to fart. So, it only makes sense that guys have on occasion taken the time to fart and appreciate their odor, rating the stink on a sort of self-made proudness scale. Apparently, they’ve even been known to fart under the covers then go in underneath to find out exactly what sort of scent they’ve created. I am slightly skeptical about this one, but the internet says it and therefore, it must be true, right?
11. HAVING A COLD AND WIPING SNOT ON THEIR SLEEVE
This falls under the same category as ‘It’s going to be washed anyway.’ There are tissues for a reason, and one of the major ones is wiping away any bodily waste. This applies to snot. The other thing that isn’t too pleasant? Using tissues then leaving a host of them dotted around your apartment, where they breed more germs and fester, giving anyone who enters a perpetual cold. Use tissues. Don’t use your sleeves. Once tissues are used, pop them in the bin. And most importantly, if you’re an offender, don’t ever offer your jacket/jumper/coat in chivalry to a cold woman. We’d rather be cold than catch a cold. Let’s take a look at some of the habits that cross over from singledom into relationshiphood, now shall we? (Yes, I made up those words)
10. LEAVING POOP MARKS IN THE TOILET
For this next section, I called upon my married friends to let me know what irks them most about living with their male spouses. It was impressive. This one ranked pretty high up there. Apparently, guys are far less concerned about the look of the toilet bowl after they’ve done their business than they should be. Rather than giving it a quick clean for the next person, they skip on their merry way, leaving us some lovely stains to greet us when it’s our turn. Seriously, it’s nothing at a little bleach can’t take care of, so why are you leaving remnants of last nights’ dinner staring at us from the bottom of the bowl?
9. CUTTING THEIR TOENAILS AND LEAVING THEM ON THE FLOOR
Cutting your toenails is a private affair, for a start. The very sound of nail clipping sends shivers down my spine that are only matched by the appearance of a daddy long legs. Leaving them on the floor, in communal spaces such as the bedroom or living room – or anywhere for that matter, is just not acceptable. Even if they ping off the walls, round them up and get rid of them. Some of us like walking around barefoot in our homes, without the risk of running into your jagged toenails stabbing us like little drawing pins. It can be a minefield. This goes for biting your nails too.
8. SHAVING THEN NOT WASHING OUT THE SINK
When we shave our legs, you complain if we leave the tiniest bit of stubble in the bathtub. We’re usually pretty good at erasing all traces of our hair removal, as if we are magical fairy-like creatures. Guys, however…I’ve lost count of the boyfriends I’ve had that not only leave a lathery mess of shaved whiskers in the bathroom sink, but have even had the audacity to shave with my leg razor. I once had a boyfriend who came over to my apartment, spent 45 minutes in the bathroom, left poop marks in my toilet, whiskers in my sink and shaved with my razor – and then broke up with me immediately afterwards. He was a real gem.
7. BLOWING THEIR NOSE IN THE SHOWER
‘It just gets washed away, right?’ JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING GETS WASHED DOESN’T MAKE THE ACT ITSELF CLEAN. If you’ve ever witnessed your partner blowing his nose into his hand and then washing it away in the shower…I feel you. I stand with you in disgust. The filmy, watery snot rocket may get washed down the sink, but there are some things that you should never feel comfortable doing alone, let alone when your significant other is brushing their teeth at the sink while you’re in the shower. It just shouldn’t be done, and most certainly can never be unseen. It’s a real, ‘What the f**k did I just witness?’ moment.
6. STANDING NAKED IN FRONT OF THEIR MIRROR AND WATCHING THEIR BALLS MOVE
This one isn’t repulsive, so much as weird. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I have watched guys do a post shower parade around the bedroom, stopping in front of the mirror to swing their junk about. I once asked a guy what he was doing, to be told ‘Look at my balls jiggle. Don’t you do this with your boobs?’ Hmmm, no. No, I don’t. I like my boobs, I’m pretty attached to them. However, I don’t stand in front of the mirror jumping up and down and watching them bounce. It’s just not on my daily agenda.
5. LEAVING A SLEW OF DIRTY UNDERWEAR OVER THE FLOOR
Laundry is exhausting. It’s even more exhausting when you have to go around picking dirty towels off of the floor. This isn’t from children. This is from your male significant other. When you first move in with a guy, it’s usually pretty good for a while. They lull you into a false sense of security, only to gradually retreat to their single life habits. Only this time, they have someone there to tidy up after them. It’s infuriating. Is it really that difficult to put things in the hamper, or do you get some sort of kick out of us having to touch your dirty boxers?
4. BURPING, A LOT
Ah, the burp, the cousin of the fart, without the hilarity. Burping is gross, and unacceptable. Burping in the car when we’re sitting in a queue of traffic – bad. Burping after dinner at home – bad. Burping ever – bad, bad, bad. Also, when you really make a show of it, really projecting a burp, it makes us want to beat you over the head with the nearest available object. That could be the closest we ever come to being physically disgusted by you. It’s unpleasant, and makes us wonder why you want to subject us to not only the obnoxious sound, but the smell of stale Coke. I’m going to pass on that one.
3. TRYING TO MAKE OUT WITH MORNING BREATH
We all have morning breath. If you don’t, I’m going to say that you’re an alien. The worst thing when you wake up in the morning, is when your significant other is in the mood and wants to make out, sans brushing teeth. Teeth must be brushed before we even say good morning face to face, let alone exchange saliva. Morning sex is fun, but let’s practice some personal hygiene first? It takes two seconds and will make everything way more enjoyable – and minty fresh. If you really want to put us in the mood, you can even use mouthwash. Hubba hubba.
2. PICKING THEIR NOSE AND EXAMINING IT
Guys just love to dig, dig, dig and dig around in there. After they’ve done a good dig, they proudly examine the contents of their nose and what they’ve managed to excavate from the depths of their sinuses. Pre-relationship, this was an activity that they enjoyed alone. Why should they stop once they’re in a committed relationship? You might enjoy it too. They might want to share their beautiful green boogers with you, as a love token or symbol of their affection. Just please don’t wipe it on anything. We have enough laundry to be getting on with as it is.
1. PICKING OUT CHEST HAIRS
*SCREAMS IN HORROR* Sitting there, with such utter concentration that you could be trying to crack the nuclear weapons code. It’s insane, the amount of attention that you give to picking out chest hairs that bother you. Why do they bother you? Who the hell knows. Sometimes they’re grey, sometimes they’re too long, sometimes they are just not in the right place. Whatever the reason is, guys pick them and leave them all over the place. It turns our stomachs. Do you know what the crazy part about all of this is? We know your gross habits, but we love you anyway. Yes, guys can be gross – but yes, we have our moments too. It’s just that we notice yours a teeny bit more.
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