Human beings, eh. One minute, you’re coloring in a teddy bear illustration with crayons, the next, you’re expected to find one person and promise to love them forever, signing a contract just to make sure you don’t even dare smell another human being or you could lose half of everything you own. Thankfully, we are progressive creatures by nature, and many of the freer spirits have decided that this monogamous monotony doesn’t really suit their brand, and they seek out like-minded people to love and to hold, whilst also fooling around with others if the mood so happens to strike. And I think that’s great. People are different, and if they can find a path that makes their intimate exploration work better for them, then all the more strength to that journey.

But for me, personally, I can’t do the open relationship thing. It’s not necessarily about the discomfort of jealousy either, even if I once sent an anonymous death threat to my ex-girlfriend’s neighbor just to get him to move houses. Rather, my issue with open relationships are the germs. Do you have any idea how much bacteria is in any given person’s mouth? And you want to put your tongue in more than one of these infested areas? Such an excessive indulgence may lead to mutations of the microbes crawling around the insides of your cheeks, and they could evolve into a highly intelligent community, ultimately staging mutiny, overthrowing your command. Do you really have time for that in your life? Also, cold sores. Anyway, let’s move on and read Whisper confessions from men who are currently in an open relationship, because historically speaking, we have not heard enough of the male’s opinion yet, dammit!

15. That Awkward Moment When You’re Always Awkward

My favorite part of this confession was the nervous laughter at the end. I could literally feel this guy’s awkwardness from that very “haha” alone, and so I not only believe his confession to be true, but also physically cringed when I heard it.

If I was asked for my professional opinion about this specific post, I would have two very important points to relay. The first, is that none of my opinions are ever professional, so you should never ask me anything at all. The second, would be that this seems like a relationship that’s only half open to me. It’s like taking your partner to an all-you-can-eat buffet, and then watching them stuff their face whilst you nervously hide in the corner because you find food scary. In all fairness though, some food is scary, and also, there’s a lot of pressure to get a job done when someone is trying to force you to do it. I can’t pee if someone is watching, for example. It’s been a urinal burden my whole life.

14. Mommy Issues

Wait, I actually have the solution to this one. Tell your mom. Seriously, you’re a big boy now. Big enough to run around and sleep with multiple partners anyway. It’s time to stand up and say “Mother! I am in an open relationship! And there is nothing you can do to stop me! Because I’m an adult!” and then run away giggling, hiding under a table, because omg you just told your mommy you’re in an open relationship hahaha! So uncomfortable!

Honestly, am I the only one who finds it weird that we value the opinion of our parents so much? It’s their fault we’re even here in the first place. I didn’t ask to exist, this whole life thing was forced upon me, I’m just trying to do my best here! And if my best is, oh I don’t know, being so attractive that I need to spread my love between numerous individuals just to satisfy their thirst for my attention, then I reckon I’m doing pretty well, ok, mom??

13. Chocolate Metaphors

I once saw a t-shirt which read “I Am Two People Short Of A Threesome” and I laughed so hard that I cried. And not, like, tears of joy. These were tears of utter despair, as this statement resonated throughout every fiber within my sexuality, prodding my mind with a ferocious force, reminding me that, yes, I am my only lover. A very good lover at that! But still, totally alone, and miserable.

What’s my point? My point is that finding a decent relationship in this day and age is difficult enough. Magazines use Photoshop and movie heroes say such witty things, and no one is that perfect in real life. Our standards are out of our leagues! If you find someone who ticks only half of your requirement boxes, grab onto them with both hands! Find the woman who loves you first! Address the open relationship thing way later! It should not be your opening line!

12. I Love Her and I Hate You

I think sometimes we have to step back and look at what an open relationship really means. To do so, let’s split the term into its two separate words. Yes, it is open. But it’s still a relationship. For some, emotional monogamy is enough, where your love is strong and dedicated, but your physical being wants to taste all the corners of life, because YOLO or whatever the kids say, I’m old now. If you are that way inclined, and you find a lover who understands this, it is something beautiful. This confession is beautiful. The blue background of the image is beautiful. Everything is beautiful! You are beautiful.

Look, the way I see it, is like SpaghettiOs. Do I love SpaghettiOs? Yes, I do. Very very much. I eat SpaghettiOs all the time. But, every now and again, I might crave something else, such as baked beans, for example. Does that mean I love SpaghettiOs any less? Of course not! If anything, I love SpaghettiOs more now, because when I come back to them, they are that old familiar comfort I adore, and I missed our time apart. Do you think SpaghettiOs get jealous if I eat out something else? We haven’t had that conversation yet.

11. The Third Wheel is the Loneliest Wheel of All

I used to think I was cursed too. It wasn’t so much relationship related though, it had more to do with that disfigured ghost girl who used to wake me up in the middle of the night, trying to hand me bits of bread which were blatantly really old and stale. In those moments, I’d really regret that deal I made with the Ouija board. Everything is fine now though, I just pretend to be asleep, she loses interest really quickly.

Oh yeah, but this guy has it way worse. Nothing good has ever come out of being the third wheel. Well, except maybe on a tricycle, that third wheel is imperative to the overall concept. But we are not talking about a tricycle here! This is a real human being problem, which he posted anonymously online instead of maybe actually taking to his wife about it? You know? Communication? Just a suggestion for future reference? Use it? Don’t use it? I do not care.

10. “First World Problems”

Some people may read this above confession in disgust over how openly greedy this man is, repulsed that “God” has not only blessed him with a loving wife who is accepting of his wandering fingers, but has also provided him with so many random women to mess around with that he is actually tired of them. But for me, I am not disgusted by this. I am disgusted by something else entirely.

This poster has made the unforgivable normie mistake of assuming “first world problems” is just another way of saying “my troubles aren’t really that bad”. This is incorrect usage. The expression “first world problems” should only be used to highlight the ridiculous luxuries in developed countries which we complain about and take for granted. Do you really think that there has never been some poverty stricken dude living in the depths of Africa who’s had some open relationship turmoil before? What, do you think the concept of “more than one lover at a time” hasn’t been around since literally forever, without any influence from class or regional borders? Try harder to sound smarter next time, perhaps by not speaking at all.

9. I’m Not Jealous, I’m Protective

Of all the confessions on offer here, this one meant the most to me, especially because the author set it up so perfectly. Yes, truthfully, I did think jealousy would be the primary challenge in the open relationship practice. This whole confession was lead by challenging my very preconception of the subject matter, and with that, he had me hooked within the first sentence. There was no way I wasn’t going to read the rest of this post.

And I’m so glad I did! That punchline? Wow. What an unexpected shot. Not only does it make complete sense, but it’s also a sugary sweet image in such a heartbreakingly bitter plot. Here is this woman he loves, coming home after hooking up with someone else, upset over how she was treated, yet so secure in her relationship that she can talk to this guy about these issues. What a lovely example of someone who is not like me at all.

8. Eating Popcorn is Not Cheating

We live in an important stage of gender development, where girls are finally shouting loud enough to be heard, boys are starting to listen, and some people are neither boys nor girls, which is all groovy to me. But sometimes, it is easy to forget that boys have problems too. We are just less likely to cry about it because, if we do cry, we get beaten up on the playground and they steal our lunch money.

Take this unfortunate man, for example. Just because he is a member of the masculine gender, people automatically assume he is cheating on his girlfriend, purely because men have built a reputation of thinking with their genitalia whilst collecting high fives every time they sleep with someone new. Contrary to popular belief, we are not all like that! Only some of us are! Quite a lot of us, actually, but not all of us! Wait, does this guy’s girlfriend even know they’re in an open relationship?

7. Runaway Bride

There are various reasons as to why a potential date may run away when they find out you are married. The first and most obvious argument, would be that your wife is really scary. It’s not so much that you’re married per se, it’s more about the specific woman you are married to. Perhaps she has a reputation for eating people? That would be a logical reason to run away from someone.

There is also the chance that those who are running away are doing so because you keep mentioning “rules”. These days we have bosses watching our every movement; we have policemen who chase us for shouting obscenities at them in the street; and we even have big signs which demand we patiently stand in an orderly queue at McDonalds. So many rules everywhere! Now, when you approach someone with a relationship proposal, informing them that you are not only married, but you also have “rules”, you are totally harshing their happy time, and that is why they run away to a place which excludes you.

6. When Your Standards Get In The Way

Do you know what they say about finding a lasting connection? Always drop your standards. The fastest way to get what you want is to settle for something you only sort of want, and from there, you may obtain a certain level of diluted happiness, which is far more than anyone can expect in these crazy times we live in. Not to mention, there is nothing sexier than whispering into someone’s ear that “you’re the best I can do”. Girls love that.

Honestly, I don’t sympathize with this poster’s confession whatsoever. Welcome to the real world, buddy. Finding a lasting connection is not some super special open relationship problem only you understand. It is literally a global challenge everyone experiences from time to time, no matter what their gender, their sexual orientation, or their preferred style of relationship intimacy. Monkeys probably have these same troubles. Stop whining and sort your life out, jeez.

5. The Devil

Whoever made this confession is being so dramatic it makes me feel physically ill. The devil? Really? The devil himself. People now think you’re Satan, that’s what you said. The epitome of evil. The character who turned his back on God and created Hell to torture the souls of naughty humans after they die. The personification of sin and temptation. People find out you’re in an open relationship, and suddenly you’re the actual devil? I don’t reckon anyone thinks that. I reckon it’s all in your head.

What is probably happening here in reality, is that no one liked you in the first place, and were relieved to find any excuse to stop calling you, purely because you exaggerate about the devil all the time, and quite frankly, everyone is sick of it. Of course, I don’t actually know who wrote this confession, he could be a really nice guy, but with so little information to go on, I exercise my right to completely invent a human being and then brutally judge them, because what else am I going to write about?

4. Honesty is the Best Policy, Sometimes

I once had this friend who made me really angry when he told me about his open relationship. Why? Because I didn’t even ask. I don’t care, bro, you don’t have to tell me every time we meet up that you’re in an open relationship. I know you’re super proud of your progressive girlfriend’s approach to modern dating or whatever, but when you go around telling everyone at the bar about your partnership status, the incessant boasting does get a little tedious and frustrating. I’m sorry, I’m only telling you this so you hear it from me.

That said, when it comes to open relationships, I imagine honesty is the best approach. If you decide to bring a girl home to meet your girlfriend without explaining the scenario first, it could make for a very uncomfortable initial conversation, especially when you debate who is going to take the couch that night, perhaps even flipping a coin to decide who gets to sleep with the girl. It’s not really fair to expect a stranger to be ok with that.

3. I’m Doing Just Fine, Thank You Very Much

“I love this girl?” Wait, why the question mark? What are you asking me for? I don’t even know you, you are just words on a picture. I legitimately don’t even have any solid evidence that you exist. There are online generators which will make pictures like this one simply by clicking a button, which is why I have learned to no longer trust anything on the internet, let alone answer their questions.

Other than that, I am annoying that the word “byfar” is not actually a word, and I also dislike the fact that this fella believes his relationship is the strongest he’s ever encountered. Yeah, that’s probably a bit of a biased perception though, mate. I know it may seem like this bond is the greatest love in all of history, but you can’t really compare this to other people’s relationships, because you’re not directly involved with them. Heck, even if you’re only comparing this partner to your previous relationships, it’s not like you’re going to tell your current girlfriend that she’s the second best you ever had, right? Anyway, sorry if I sound bitter, it’s only because I am. Your life is way better than mine, congratulations, happy for you, whatever.

2. The Swing

Initially, I saw the swing picture, and I was like, whaaat, how is that at all related to the text? Is it, like, a swing used for therapeutic reasons? But then I was like, ooooh, I get it! It’s a pun! A swingers pun! Haha, you see? Swing? Swingers? I wonder if anyone else is as smart as me to have worked that out by themselves. Doubt it.

In all seriousness though, this is the most practical application of the open relationship philosophy that I’ve ever come across. An extended period of absence makes the heart grow fonder, or so they say, but leave that heart unattended for too long, and it becomes vulnerable, lonely, and careless. Rather, eliminate the chances of marriage betrayal by eliminating marriage betrayal entirely, granting permission for a bit of guilt-free side action in times of drought, and ultimately, strengthening the connection between people who trust one another enough to let themselves fly free. But how about that swing pun though, am I right? So clever!

1. Happy Ending

At first read, this sounds like such a great story. Picture it now: a lady, held back by her marriage, her experimental nature is being suffocated, until she ultimately explodes and sleeps with someone else. In a fit of guilt, she confesses her infidelity to her partner, yet instead of demanding a divorce signature, he sympathizes. He loves this woman. He wants her to be happy. And, not to mention, he (just like everyone in the whole world) also wants to have his cake and eat it too. They agree that they should sleep with as many people as possible, and they do! What a romantic happy ending! So modern!

Ok, now I don’t want to ruin the moment or anything, but I want you to reread this man’s wording. First of all, he was very quick to let us know that his wife had an affair, putting the blame on her immediately, no mention of what he did to drive her to find affection elsewhere. Furthermore, his last line doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence. He “guesses” that worked out “okay”? Classic cry for help if I ever saw one.