Ever since the post-war era, when the United States embarked on creating what would then be the largest network of interconnected highways in the world, we have been a nation obsessed with cars. It makes sense – cars are expensive, and what you put that much of your hard-earned dollars into says a lot about your personality. A pickup truck guy is different from a jeep guy, who is different from a sport compact guy, who is different from a hatchback guy.
Women realize this too, and the type of car you drive can say a lot to a woman you’ve never met. Drive a car with a lot of bling and not much zoom and she’ll think you’re a geriatric driver. Drive a car with more tire and engine than actual frame and she’ll think you’re a redneck. And she’ll be right since you’re driving a monster truck.
On the other hand, drive a car that’s petite and sports a delightful pink overcoat, and the girl might start questioning your manhood.
Now, I’m not saying that all these cars will result in your man-cave getting marked for demolition, but they may signal something about you that may or may not be strictly speaking true.
Here’s 15 chick cars that you might think twice about before buying when the lease is up.
15. Mazda Miata – The Original Girl’s Car
To start, let’s take a look at the consummate chick car, the Mazda Miata. Ever since it’s introduction in 1989, the Miata has had a reputation for being an un-manly car. This may have had something to do with the fact it was a particularly small car, weighing only 2000 pounds when cars in a similar price range at the time weighed upwards of 2500 pounds. It was seen as the car a price conscious beach babe would buy to get around town while also getting some sun.
That reputation has dogged the Miata for decades, but the latest model is trying to buck the label with distinctive roadster styling. That increased styling has come at a cost though, with the current model being a few hundred pounds heavier but also having a slightly more efficient engine, giving it a few more horses to keep the car as peppy as ever.
14. Nissan Cube – It Has A Scary Guy In The Trunk
I honestly don’t know a single human that owns a Cube. Judging by their sales numbers, I don’t think most people at Nissan know of who owns a cube, making me think that it could be that gang of raccoons that are padding their ledgers.
Regardless, the Cube is not only a chick car but is the death of all automotive joy. It looks like a Versa ate a Range Rover and then couldn’t afford a proper back windshield. There is not a single hard line to be found anywhere on or in this car. Or crossover. Small truck? I’m not even sure what to call this thing. In Japan they call it a “people mover”, which seems both confusing and redundant.
13. Kia Soul – A Car With Anything But
My sister owns a Kia Soul, and that’s basically all I need to label these chick cars. When Kia originally came out with the Soul they had the audacity to call it an SUV, but have since modified their marketing to call it a subcompact crossover SUV.
And as usual, it has a ton of soft edges eliminating whatever manliness the letters S and U and V could have ever provided it. The Soul has a slightly angled roof to give it a bit of an aggressive, in your face front grill, but the rest of it screams femininity from the top of a mountain.
12. Nissan Juke – Mostly Driven By Women And Raccoons
Statistically, Juke buyers are 53% women. The other 47% are sentient raccoons masquerading as human beings, however, I have it on good authority that most of those raccoons are also female, thus making the Juke a definite chick car.
Although it certainly appears bulkier than the Miata, the Juke is still a small car at heart. The wheels are close together, the boot is not nearly as spacious as you’d expect from a hatchback, and stylistic choices in the interior seem geared at the sex that seems to care a bit more about a door handle that’s circular rather than rectangular. Top it off with the googly-eye headlights and it just seems a little too “off” to be a manly automobile.
11. VW Beetle – Hitler Made These
Another quintessential girl car, the VW beetled didn’t use to be. Back when it was first introduced in the 40s, literally everyone drove it, including Hitler. Which isn’t exactly a great selling point, I’m told.
The original Beetle would continue to be produced as late as 2003 before finally shutting down production, and Volkswagen didn’t bring it back until 1997. That’s right: there’s a 6-year overlap between when they stopped making the original versus when they began to manufacture the New Beetle. Which was pretty much immediately branded as a chick car.
It was all to do with the bizarre pastel colors and it’s even more rounded appearance. Man-cars are always angular and aggressive, whereas the New Beetle was all bubbly and soft. The most current model is flattened a bit and ditches the weird color choices, but the label stuck and hasn’t come off.
10. Subaru Impreza – Actually For Lesbians
Despite the fact the Impreza is regularly seen winning rally races the world over, the Impreza is a girl’s car. Subaru knows this, and when sales started to tank they started an ad campaign that specifically targeted women to try out their cars. A specific kind of women, even.
In the 1990s, Subaru noticed that a specific type of woman was buying their cars: lesbians. And unlike most other car companies during the era of “don’t ask, don’t tell”, Subaru hired an ad company to start running print ads in gay newspapers and magazines featuring clever slogans like “entirely comfortable with its orientation” referring to it’s AWD transmission.
9. Any Minivan – The Death Of Driving
Minivans are known for one thing and one thing only: getting a cab full of squealing children as quickly and efficiently from point A to point B. They’ve got TV’s implanted in the headrests to keep the kids quiet and can have seats taken out in case the dog needs to be taken to the vet. They’re family cars, and if you’re not a soccer mom, there’s no reason to ever buy one.
If you’re a working guy and need a lot of carriage space, then you get a truck or a full-size van. Sure, you might not need that much room, and it might be harder to fill your tank and park it downtown, but their reputation of the minivan is one that’s impossible to shake. So suck it up and just buy a truck like every other guy does.
8. Chrysler PT Cruiser Convertible – The Ugliest Convertible You Can Buy
When Chrysler made the PT Cruiser, I honestly don’t know what they were thinking. I guess the idea was to evoke a sense of nostalgia by making this monstrosity of a car look like some 1940s era cruiser, but it just looks like a Beetle made love to a station wagon and then the child died in the womb.
That said, the car is spacious, and so it got on well with soccer moms that we’re quite willing to surrender to practicality and buy a minivan. Or they’re purchased by slightly more well-to-do moms so they could get some sun while they drove to the country club. However you slice it, the Cruiser Convertible is not the car for the young man looking to make a solid first impression.
7. VW Eos Cabriolet – The Second Ugliest Convertible You Can Buy
Our second Volkswagen on the list, the Eos Cabriolet suffers from the same problem the Beetle does, that being it’s a little too round and a little too short. Again, manly cars are like missiles: they’re long, sharp, and deadly. Girl cars are short, round, and soft. The Eos is all those, and the Cabriolet model shows off the creamy white interior by making it into a convertible.
Things get worse when you check under the hood. The base model engine only ever puts out 120 hp, and while you could get a version with a 260 hp V6 engine, at that price you might as well buy something like a Mustang which has a far better reputation. Also, it’s a lot nicer to look at.
6. Honda Civic del Sol – How To Make A Civic Much, Much Worse
Honda’s answer to the Miata, the Honda Civic CR-X del Sol suffers from two problems: first, it has a name like a Spanish conquistador, and second it’s basically the same as a Miata, that is being short, round, and believing itself to be a roadster when it’s actually just a bad Japanese import. Sort of like Gundam.
It’s actually worse since it kept the same basic shape of the Civic while attempting to both shorten the body and lop off the top. The result is a car that just looks like a toy version of a full-sized car like how a German Shepherd mated with a Corgie looks like a real dog that didn’t eat all its vitamins. It’s sad, is what I’m trying to say.
5. Toyota Prius – Saving The World, One Soccer Mom At A Time
The original eco-friendly car, the Prius has retained its eco-friendliness while also picking up a reputation for being purchased by environmentally friendly parents and people who can’t afford a Tesla. Middle-aged, middle-class women are basically the target demographic here.
The Prius breaks all the rules I’ve already said to be etched in stone, and the car is filled with rounded edges that look like they’d ricochet a bug rather than splatter it all over the bumper. Which kinda fits the whole eco-friendly vibe the thing is going for, I’ll admit, but doesn’t make me want to buy it.
4. Fiat 500 – Small, Spunky, And Weird
Small? Check. Soft curves? Check. Comes in goofy colors? Check. Looks like a group of 4 burly guys could each grab a wheel base and carry it away? Check and double check.
I’m sorry, Fiat. I know you’re trying to do the whole Beetle thing that VW did, and I know that you’re having some success doing it since it’s a spunky little car that sips gas and can part between the tree and your neighbor’s dog outside your house. But there’s nothing you can do to convince me this little thing is anything but a car for female first-time car buyers. Literally nothing. Even putting a scorpion on the front and doubling its horsepower isn’t going to convince me otherwise.
3. Lexus SC 430 – The Dignified But Effeminate Car
One day, a Lexus engineer thought to himself, “Golly gee, that VW Eos Cabriolet certainly looks swell! I’m going to copy it!” And thus the Lexus SC430 was born.
The sad part is it seems to have worked out for them, as the SC430 has had strong enough sales to continue its production run well into the foreseeable future. The reason is most likely due to the fact that while The VW Eos and PT Cruiser may try and market to slightly more upscale female buyers, Lexus actually has a reputation for luxury that’s a little more warranted.
2. Ford Fiesta In Pink – But Only In Pink
I like the Fiesta. For a small hatchback it’s both affordable, comfortable, and if you get the ST model, fun to drive. It’s got great mileage and even an aggressive stance, like a toy poodle that barks at every guest that comes into your home.
So the Fiesta is totally fine to buy if you’re a man. Unless you buy it in pink. Then it is no longer fine. Like a toy poodle that, rather than barking, pees all over the floor whenever a new person enters your home.
I probably should have mentioned this earlier, but macho cars are white, black, gray, red, or a navy blue. Anything else is girl colors. OK, except for plaid – that is a very manly color, and good on ‘ya for painting your car plaid. But pink is a definite no-go.
1. Volvo S40 – The Most Boring Car In The World
The most boring car in the world is also a chick car. I know this because I have never seen a man driving this car.
I’m aware that anecdotal evidence such as this is hardly able to be presented as scientific fact, but consider this: have you ever seen a dude driving this car? And I mean a real dude, not just 3 children in a trenchcoat trying to pass their driver’s exam. Can’t remember? I thought not. Ergo ipso facto.
You can always settle an argument by throwing some random latin phrase at it.
Seriously, for the same price you could buy almost anything else that has more horses than this heap. Just stay away.
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