For decades now, human beings have been following a relatively simple formula when planning for the future. Regardless of where you go in the western world, the vast majority of young people will tell you that their goals for the years ahead include graduating college, finding a job, getting married, and having children (generally prioritized in that order). Although that may seem too monotonous a life for some, it is a format that has helped the human race thrive by breeding bright minds with steady jobs who, in turn, produce smaller human beings intended to eventually take their place.
Of course, just because you plan to graduate college, find a job, get married, and finally, start a family does not mean that things will work out that way. It is sometimes the tragic case that a person enthusiastically plans for all four things for only three, two, or even a single one to come to pass. Quite often, it is a case of the second step of the plan making it impossible to fulfill the fourth step of the plan. You see, certain jobs have been known to seriously decrease one’s chances of conception and we’ve gathered them here for your squeamish pleasure. Here are 15 jobs that will destroy your ability to have kids.
15. X-Ray Technician
Owing to the high level of stress associated with working in the medical industry, doctors and nurses are at much greater risks of becoming infertile than their patients (unless their patients are being treated for infertility). However, nobody in the medical industry is more at risk of seeing their ability to have kids destroyed than the x-ray technician.
Your average x-ray technician will spend countless hours a week surrounded by ionized radiation, which has been proven by multiple studies to drastically reduce one’s sperm count. As well as rendering you infertile, ionized radiation has the potential to cause mutations and birth defects if you have been exposed to it for long periods of time. For this reason, x-ray technicians who would like to start a family are advised to do so early on in their career rather than putting it off until they feel they are ready.
14. Warehouse Heavy Lifter
With more people going to college than ever before, finding any sort of job without some sort of degree has become close to an impossible task. Even jobs in retail, which require virtually nothing beyond a high school education, are being given to students who are looking for a means to fund their college drinking sessions. For this reason, unskilled workers are being forced into the dark of factories and warehouses, where they must pack and lift boxes for long hours and little money.
If the lack of opportunities for diploma-less individuals has left you considering a career as a warehouse heavy lifter, perhaps it would be more beneficial to you to find a college course that appeals to you and train to work in a specific field. I say this because the strain endless hours of heavy lifting puts on the human body has been linked to male infertility and, perhaps even more horrifying, erectile dysfunction.
Although bakers tend to break a whole lot of eggs in a single day’s work, males who enter the profession may not be very good at fertilizing them (it took me far longer to think of that joke than it should have). The connection between baking and male infertility goes back to the issue of testicles not being kept at an acceptable temperature during work hours. Because bakers generally work in a very tight space with a number of ovens to increase productivity, their body temperature is usually far beyond what is recommended for those attempting to have a child. In order to decrease the chances of their profession destroying their ability to have kids, many male bakers will wear loose-fitting clothes while they work. However, this may only be an option for the self-employed as hanging clothing goes against the health and safety standards of most established bakeries.
12. Company Director
A company director is basically the person who has been appointed by the owners of a company to operate the day-to-day running of the business on their behalf. Company directors tend to enjoy a pretty impressive salary (north of six figures), but they must sacrifice much of their personal life for the sake of their profession. A typical day for a company director may begin at six in the morning and they may find themselves still taking phone calls and sending emails by midnight. Because of their hectic schedules, many company directors don’t have the time to maintain a balanced diet and must eat what they can when they can. Many are even forced to make time for s*x in their diary, as if it were another meeting. When a company director does get around to trying for a child, they are likely to experience some difficulty as the stress of carrying an entire company on one’s shoulder has been linked with infertility.
11. Catholic Priest
Even since the lovable rogue that is Pope Francis I took the reigns of the Catholic Church, there has been serious consideration given to allowing men and women who choose to dedicate their lives to its mission to marry and have children. While this would be a stark departure from the church’s millennia long opposition to members of the clergy marrying, it would likely lead to an increase in those studying to become priests and nuns and may even save the Catholic Church from what seems to be inevitable extinction.
Unfortunately, no official decision regarding the personal lives of priests and nuns has been made at the time of this writing, which means those who serve as priests in the Catholic Church do not have the ability to have children, owing to their vows of chastity. In the past (and in rare cases today), priests who did not trust themselves to resist the temptation of women were known to castrate themselves, making it literally impossible for them to start a family.
Owing to its complicated nature, chemistry is seriously unpopular with students when studied as a school subject. Over the past couple of years, however, there has been a surge in interest of chemistry as a profession. This comes down to a number of factors, the most obvious of which being the fact that our society is moving further and further away from religion and becoming more and more concerned with science. There is the fact that chemists, traditionally, enjoy a pretty nice salary.
It is important to point out, however, that there is a higher rate of infertility among chemists than there is among those who choose to work in other sciences, such as biology or physics. This is generally put down to the fact that chemists spend much of their time around toxic substances, which also explains why chemists tend to have a shorter life-span than their scientific peers.
I know we like to think that we have moved beyond the idea of some jobs being gender specific, but there is actually quite a good argument to be made against males as secretaries. You see, in order to keep sperm cool, the testicles are supposed to be kept at a lower temperature than the rest of the body. For this reason, males are advised to avoid long periods of sitting down, as sitting often restricts the movement of the testicles and forces them to absorb the heat of the rest of the body. Secretaries, as we all know, spend the majority of their time in a seated position, stranded behind a desk and unable to stretch their legs for fear of missing an important phone call.
Although printing as a profession may seem relatively simple, those who make their living in the printing industry find themselves putting in a great deal of work for even the least demanding client. Not only is a professional printer tasked with the printing of a flyer (or label or banner), they are oftentimes also expected to design the flyer to the client’s specifications, which are usually way too vague or way too specific.
Furthermore, many of the solvents used in the printing industry can be damaging to one’s health and fertility. Although there are laws in place in America and most European countries to prevent the use of such harmful liquids in printing, many printers working beyond the western world find themselves struggling to start a family.
For most teachers, the allure of the profession comes from the idea of working with children on a daily basis, shaping their minds and, as a result, indirectly influencing the future of the world. However, it is often the case that the novelty of working with kids wears off within a few years on the job. Many teachers even find themselves regretting their career choice after just a couple of months in their first classroom.
Because spending several hours a day attempting to control a room of screaming children is so stressful, more and more teachers have learned to value their time alone in the evenings. Their nerves shattered and their patience destroyed, many have abandoned their initial plans of having children of their own in favor of adopting a couple of cats.
A lot of the people who choose to pursue a career as an artist do so because they don’t wish to be chained down by a typical nine to five job. Being an artist, particularly if you carve a reputation as a reliable freelancer, allows you to wake up late and work at a pace that suits you, so stress is rarely an issue.
That being said, it is important to remember that artists who work primarily with paints (and that’s pretty much all of them) are at a heightened risk of being rendered infertile by their profession. Many of the solvents which make printing so dangerous to one’s fertility are also present in the paints used by artists. Those who are determined to make it as a creator regardless should be sure to purchase paints which do not include – or include a minimal amount of – potentially harmful ingredients.
There are a number of reasons aspiring parents are advised to avoid banking as a profession. For males, there is the obvious danger of long periods of time in a seated position causing the testicles to overheat and sperm to die. Studies conducted on females across various professions have discovered that a woman is less likely to benefit from IVF treatment if she works in banking. A number of theories have been put forth to explain this, but the most widely accepted is that banking, a profession generally inhabited by the traditional and unadventurous, discourages open discussion of the sometimes controversial IVF method of conception. For this reason, women who are attempting to conceive via IVF while balancing a career in a bank are less likely to inform their superiors of their needs, which leads to them being unable to sufficiently dedicate themselves to the IVF process.
4. Animal Mast*rbator
I know what you’re thinking, but yes, this is a real job. In order to test the sperm of a male animal – or to impregnate a female animal through artificial insemination – farmers must, of course, obtain a cup of sperm from the male creature in question. The only problem is that this sperm generally needs to be obtained naturally in order for the process to be completed without risk of the sample becoming contaminated.
Animal mast*rbators have the unenviable job of collecting sperm samples from bulls, horses, and essentially any other male animal whose fertility may be in dispute. They usually do this by masturbating the animal with their gloved hand, although some prefer to use a fleshlight (I’m not even kidding). You’ve got to assume that mast*rbating animals for a living would kill your “drive” and seriously make you reconsider having calves of your own.
3. Taxi Driver
I think we’re all familiar with the old movie trope of a once-proud professional finding themselves without a job in their field. Unable to put food on the table, they are forced to embark on a career as a taxi driver in order to support themselves and their family.
In reality, however, a career as a taxi driver can be detrimental to one’s ability to support or even start a family. Studies conducted on taxi drivers and their loins have found that those who sit behind the wheel of a cab for extended periods of time are likely to see their sperm count drop due to long hours in a seated position and the overwhelming heat of the engine. It is also suspected that the vibrations typically found in older cars can contribute to male infertility.
Although many people have brushed it off as a stereotype, I can, unfortunately, confirm that writers are pretty troubled individuals. Many of them are narcissistic and are concerned only with writing that great American novel, giving little thought to starting a family, marrying, or even dating. That being said, writers who do hope to someday have children should probably consider a change in career first.
Like office workers, writers generally find themselves sitting for hours on end and often become so engrossed in their work that they forget to stand up for a couple of seconds every hour to allow their testicles to cool. To further the risk of infertility, many writers work not at a desk, but on their couch, with their laptop resting upon their lap. Unless the laptop is expertly positioned, this will lead to the heat of the battery being transferred to the testicles, which is almost certain to decrease one’s sperm count.
Historically, family has been very important for farmers. There is a long-standing tradition in the farming industry of farmers passing their farm down to their firstborn son, who will, in turn, pass it down to his firstborn son when the time comes to do so. However, more and more farmers are finding themselves without children to which they can pass down their farms to.
Many who have studied the increased infertility among males in farming suspect the problem has its roots in the many pesticides used by farm owners to ward off insects which may cause damage to their animals and crops. Pesticides, while undoubtedly useful, are generally composed of a mixture of chemicals, which can have a disastrous effect on one’s ability to have children when the individual is exposed to them in large quantities.
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