Cars are not just machines. They are a powerful and an extremely important aspect to our culture. Go anywhere in the world and ask people about the first time they ever got behind the wheel of a car. You will get the same response. The same sense of anxiety combined with excitement at commanding a 2 ton beast of steel and modern plastic and pure awesomeness. Getting a driver’s license is a like a rite of passage in many places, and while jokes abound about the DMV having an infinite wait time that would result in someone aging 25 years in 5 minutes, it is still a very positive experience for people.
But a license doesn’t mean you own a car. No siree…getting a car is something else. It’s owning a piece of freedom. It’s something that can take you almost anywhere at your own time. No more having to wait for public transport or be restricted by pedestrian concerns like that. You are the king of the road. A prince among pedestrians and public transport slaves that are forced to be confined and shuttled around like cattle. Not the driver, he’s got wheels.
But the question remains now…the driver has got wheels, but does he have style? Owning a car is one thing, and most car owners are fine to have their cars the same way they bought them. But others aren’t content with that. They want to make these four wheeled beasts something that they truly OWN. Something that distinctly marks them as their own. When it works, it catches people’s attention and admiration really, really quickly.
Of course those are the successes. When the owner tries and fails, or comes up with something so outlandish, it draws attention just as easily. Except instead of admiration, it creates an entirely exotic form of emotion known only as…mockery.
So now we’re going to look at 15 of the most mockingly bad, outlandish, or just plain stupid paint jobs ever put on an automobile.
15. Landscaping… I Don’t Think So
So to start our list, we have this example of just plain laziness and an even more prime specimen of ‘why bother?’ This guy didn’t seem to have specific meaning in mind, or any concern whatsoever. There’s just a panorama landscape photograph put on this car that would make people lift their eyebrows and say ‘ooookkkkaaayyy’ in a very awkward manner.
Did the driver like the great outdoors? Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. But this just doesn’t seem to possess any real artistic merit or significance. Or maybe it was just intended to spark people’s thought processes as to why someone would bother with something this trivial to put on a car body…if that was the intention, then congrats! You’re a genius, Mr. Driver!
14. Bumper Cars On The Road?
I…don’t even know WHAT to make of this? It makes me think of the car as a massive oversized generic toy from the 80s and 90s that was bought by parents too cheap to get their kids toys from cartoons like M.A.S.K. and some other shows that I don’t remember since the 80s is now 30 years ago and I’m scared as to how amazingly out of date so much of the pop culture is from the era.
Did this guy just want to ride an oversized toy car? Or did he just think that bumper cars are actually roadworthy now? I can’t fathom the logic behind this. But I’ll tell you this. If he isn’t driving this while dressed as Evel Knievel then I’m going to be very disappointed and turn into an alcoholic hobo and live under a bridge somewhere in Tokyo of all places.
13. Winnie The… Pop A Cap In Yo Honey Pot
So we’ve gone from the pointless to the bizarre and have now officially veered into WTF territory. We apparently have an example of Winnie The Pooh going completely apeshit (if you get the reference, then congratulations! You’re not only officially old, but you’ve been on the internet for a LONG time you magnificent bastard!). You apparently have the most adorable, honey loving cartoon bear in the history of funny animal literature, and he’s just completely lost it, blown a hole in the car with a grenade, and is in a gunfight, blazing away with what appears to be a CAR-15 (I’m that big of a gun nut, yes).
I mean cartoon characters have been used on military machines before. During the Spanish Civil War, German ace pilot Adolf Galland painted Mickey Mouse on his ME-109… but putting something like that on a car is so bizarre that it makes you wonder just what the car owner was looking for…
12. Something Is Really Fishy Here
At first glance, I thought this truck had an extended tail to accommodate for the extended amount of eye boggling ridiculousness. We saw the landscape paint job that just seemed pointless, but this one here is beyond fishy. It is an eyesore, plain and simple. I would be embarrassed to own such a truck, let alone drive it around. If the guy was willing to go through that much trouble to paint his car like that, why not just outright go and adjust the chassis to look like a trout instead of just putting in a ridicules paint job.
The only justification I can think of for this guy is that he was maybe actually mocking his neighbours who likely liked to go fishing and would drive up and annoy them by asking him to guess what his ‘reel catch’ was that day.
11. The Virgin Mobile!
Now this is beyond ridicules, beyond bizarre, and most importantly, beyond WTF. You have someone who apparently thought it was a good idea (or at least an artistic idea) to have his car painted with sperm cells just swimming around on the body of his car. I was going to not make this joke, but I have to, but this paint job needed an egg being fertilized. It is the only way it would be even more completely preposterous.
Was this guy just trying to show how sexual he was by show literal and obvious references to sexuality? I mean come on! Is it even possible to be a bigger try hard than that? There is not a single girl alive today that would go anywhere near such a car unless it is to make comments on how this man’s penis is so small it recedes back to his groin and is too embarrassed to come out. Either way, this set of hot wheels isn’t going to get him laid anytime soon.
10. A 90s Schoolbook Cover On Da Hood
So when I was a young schoolboy back in the 90s, the textbooks we had were often splattered with iconic random early 90s imagery. They were cool for the time, and they certainly bring back a certain nostalgic feel whenever I go to revisit childish educational material from the era. Maybe it was the zeitgeist of the time, but the space shuttle and hot air balloons were featured prominently on those.
That being said, did this guy just love his grade school experience so much that he thought it was a good idea to include random bits of spaceships and the moon landing, with Neil Armstrong shown on the corner. It’s just so randomly placed he might as well have just written ‘let’s go to the moon again, yayi!’ and be done with it. A head scratcher for sure.
9. Photobucket Slapped On Your Mug…Car I mean
To get this out of the way, photobucket.com has (or had) an option for you put whatever photo you had on your account on a mug. It wrapped around regardless of what it was, and it could result in some pretty weird effects. That being said, this leopard photo just stank of that. It’s not that having a majestic large cat on your car can’t be awesome, it totally can, but the way it was put on is just inexcusable.
The face popping up on the door from the blurry pattern is just a strain on the eyes and it isn’t something you want to see when it’s stationary, let alone zipping past you at 120 kilometers an hour on the highway. This is on leopard who might want to change his spots…
8. Amazing…But Why?
OK, so I’m going to give kudos to the car owner. That is actually pretty impressive… but I’m left to think this one hyper burning question…why? Why did he think that having a naked woman drowning in burning metal that’s clinging to her private parts is something he should want on the hood of his car?
It could be murky swamp water, I know, but that doesn’t change anything. Did he think that people seeing it would think ‘well this guy looks like he has more sense than money’ and think he might not have some unresolved mental issues. If it was Han Solo frozen in carbonite on his hood, I might think it’s cool, but even that seems too oddly specific for something you might be using to pick up your kids after school… or maybe that was the point. “Don’t bully my kid, or you’ll end up being solidified on my OTHER car hood…
7. It Ain’t 1999 anymore…
Do you remember 1999? Well back in the very late 90s, there was a hit song by Aqua titled Barbie girl that was such a hit that it was heard all over the world, even in Dubai where I was living at the time. This guy seemed to not only be a big fan of that song, but also he really likes Barbie dolls of the era so much that he decided to make the most embarrassing car paint job ever imagine.
I want to think this guy is stuck in some weird time warp… because the alternative is to think that he might be a pedophile who’s just trying too hard to pick up excessively young girls. Thankfully he seems so desperate in his attempts that even those little with their Barbie dolls are they Kennot do that…Sorry, I just had to do it.
6. What A Crappy Idea
Yeah, this guy apparently thought that the phrase ‘da s**t’ apparently means literal fecal matter. I wonder if he really thinks it’s not only a good idea to have pieces of crap all over his car, but he also has that specific shade of brown that seems to coincide with the color of the kids that we drop off at the pool (which is followed by a massive flushing sound and a huge feeling of relief after).
It isn’t just a really piss poor (pun completely intended), but it’s just so disgusting an idea that I’m pretty sure people would have turned away instead of having to look at that thing for too long. There’s a reason why bathrooms are private spaces and why we built entire cities around getting that specific thing as far away from us as possible…
5. Does He Own Leopard Pattern Underwear, Too?
This is just completely unimaginative and it’s just… I don’t know, it reeks of bed sheets for some reason. It’s like someone go some leopard pattern cloth and has it all over his home and he uses it for all his underwear (to get in touch with that really awesome sexual beast inside no doubt) and then he thought… let me put this all over a compact car that is in no way or form giving the impression that it is a high performance vehicle.
Cars given fancy names after large wild cats are usually sports cars for people with massive pay checks and nonexistent private parts. This guy seems to have an average pay check… with no additional comments on his privates.
4. One Floppy Car
So we’ve seen people who seem to have so much nostalgia for things that they look so completely out of date it isn’t funny. This guy is just plain funny, though. He seems to have an affinity for the low-capacity, easily damaged, and easily corruptible storages of data. I should know. The dreaded CRC error of old and just how many 3.5 inch floppies I lost back in the day just wasn’t funny. Well this guy thought about that and decided ‘since 3.5 inch floppies are so bad, let me make my car look like it’s covered by its predecessor… the 5.25 inch floppy!’ Congratulations on missing the point in the most epic manner humanly possible!
3. Don’t Give Paint Jobs To 9 Year Olds!
So this is just amazing in not only how bad it is, but in just the sheer amount of time this guy must had in holding up his 9 year old child with a permanent marker in hand to paint only half his car in just ugly little stripes and then say ‘good job!’ and then think it’ll win him the parent of the year award or something.
It isn’t even just ugly. It’s plain lazy… Ok so maybe not lazy, since it still would take hard work to do that paint job, but at least the previous ones on the list used something a little more professional. A fish? That took some paint job effort. The drowned lady? That took double effort… markers on the hood? With only half of it even completed? Come on!
2. When You Never Go Beyond Grade School
Remember that guy who seemed to have a mock early 90s school textbook cover on his car? Well this guy must have been his classmate who just kept drawing his favorite bands in his little notebook and used lots of stickers of his favorite bands… except in this case he gave up trying to draw and just used some totally crude markers and put the stickers in place of where his drawings would end up.
I’ve known people like that, except those people never went beyond doing it on it their books, which they often guarded for fear of embarrassment. But as we’ve seen on this list, most of the people here are completely immune to feeling embarrassed and the wanted to prove it by showing this disaster piece to the world…
1. Which Way Is Up?
Now we’ve seen the marker job, and that was only on half the car, but at least it did take the guy some time to draw that, and it needed some concentration to keep the lines consistent… this guy has no such prerequisites. He just spray painted a bunch of arrows pointing everywhere at total random and then stepped back and said ‘this is amazing!’ and probably drank himself to a coma and had dreams of the entire premise of the movie Up except in that alcohol induced nightmare the entire cast was beating him with baseball bats before they tied him to the balloons and farted in his general direction as he floated away.
And then he woke up and drove to work, and no one even cared to make sense of this paint job because there simply is none to be had.
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