There are some heinous things happening in Amish communities. Their secluded settlements are the ideal place to hide all sorts of shocking shenanigans. Sure, the Amish way of life may seem simple and perhaps even a little bit appealing. All that country air, clean living, healthy eating and bible study must mean that the Amish brethren are a great bunch of people to hang out with, right? Maybe not. From sweeping their crimes under the community carpet to puppy farming, abuse and some seriously disturbing incestuous links, this is one mixed up society.
Because of their secrecy, hidden lives and closed communities very few people actually get to see what life is like for the Amish. Hidden further still are the lives of Amish women. Everything from dating to marriage is subject to strict rules and Amish women’s lives are spent serving the men they live with. Though, life does seem to get interesting for Amish women in the bedroom. Because, well … just like other aspects of their lives, the Amish have found a loophole to get around their strict beliefs. Read on to find out some secrets that Amish women would really rather keep under wraps.
15. Amish women sure do like to party
For communities known for living a fairly simple and chaste life, the Amish sure do like to party. Regularly holding ‘hoedowns’, teenagers have been sourcing drugs from gangs who attend the gatherings or even selling substances such as speed and cannabis amongst themselves. From underage drinking to drug abuse, it seems the Amish aren’t so clean after all. Heroin use has been described as rampant in some Amish settlements, while drugs are said to be ‘creeping’ into Amish communities across the USA. So remember, if you get invited to an Amish hoedown, it’s likely to be a real eyeopener.
14. Amish women are down with spicing things up in the bedroom
There are all sorts of rules for Amish girls when it comes to dating. From no sex before marriage to a strange ritual called ‘bundling’. The young couple must lie in bed, separated by a wooden board all night, while they talk and get to know each other. But once they are married it seems all bets are off and things can get kinky. Although the Amish traditionally shun technology and, err machinery, this doesn’t apply to ‘adult toys’ and couples can experiment to their heart’s content. So while Amish women might be subject to a lot of rules, here’s to them enjoying their married life with the help of some intimate adult products!
13. Why their Amish dolls are really creepy
Dolls are creepy, this much we know. Chucky anyone? But one of the most recognizable symbols of the Amish are their dolls. Faceless mini replicas of the Amish women that are, without doubt, the most creepy things in existence. But the sinister, lifeless mini-me’s have an even more disturbing aspect – the reason they’re faceless. It’s so the Amish women and girls don’t get all caught up in their vanity and to make their community less concerned with looks. Which all seems a bit extreme, no? These dolls would be much improved if someone took a Sharpie and drew a smiley face on the vacant, hollow space where a face belongs. Don’t have nightmares, folks.
12. Amish women are expected to serve their husbands
Way back in the day women died protesting and fighting for future generations to experience equality. Bras were burnt, women chained themselves to railings and, one woman, Emily Wilding Davison got trampled to death by a horse. We’re talking some serious commitment here. But that’s gone largely unnoticed by Amish women. Their community just doesn’t value them in the same way as men. An Amish woman’s life is one of servitude. She’s expected to follow her husband’s command, cook, clean and look after the children. They have little say in their own communities and Emily Wilding Davison would be turning in her grave if she knew.
11. There’s a hidden r*pe culture in the Amish community
Crime statistics among the Amish people seem low, but if you dig a little deeper, it’s usually because the crimes aren’t reported or the community deal with the problem. One major issue is sexual abuse and r*pe. The punishments for these crimes can be pretty tame, with men finding themselves barred from church activities for a few weeks if they r*pe someone. This deterrent is the same as the punishment for anyone caught drinking excessively. The abuse of Amish women mostly goes unnoticed. From a fear of being shunned, to being told it’s god’s will, there are only a handful of rare cases where the Amish community seek help from the police.
10. The Amish don’t take selfies
If you can just about get to grips with imagining life as an Amish person and going without some of your favourite home comforts, try imagining a life without selfies. I know, it’s just plain wrong, right? You won’t catch an Amish woman posing for a selfie, belfie, hot dog legs on the beach, I woke up like this or any other of the myriad of Instagrammable moments because they are just not down with photos full stop. Believing a photo is a ‘graven image’ – meaning it makes the subject essentially an idol – it’s against their beliefs. Some will agree to candid photos as long as the images aren’t posed for. With celebrities, popes, astronauts, presidents and even animals all getting some serious selfie exposure on Twitter, just how long will it be before the Amish post some serious horse ’n’ cart selfies? We’re here for it when they do.
9. Inbreeding happens on the regular
Amish women probably want to keep this one under wraps, because no one wants to admit they married their cousin, right? But this isn’t really an incest fetish thing amongst the community, though there are some seriously disturbing accounts of Amish abuse – more on that later in our list. No, inbreeding is just a result of the Amish communities being relatively small. What’s more, they don’t actively recruit outsiders to join their way of life. Often they don’t really know who is related to who and even if there’s a suspicion of ancestry, they opt for potential incest over DNA tests as the tests are said to be against ‘God’s will’. Let’s not be quick to judge. Johnny Knoxville totally owned his ancestral incestuous past and he’s ok.. right? If your family tree doesn’t branch, maybe it’s best to just pick a partner from another community?
8. Amish children quit school after 8th grade
All Amish kids quit school after the 8th grade. Educated within the community, they have little access to knowledge beyond that which the community deems appropriate. The lack of schooling makes it difficult for Amish women in particular to ever leave their communities and find work. While Amish men choose a trade when they finish school, Amish women become housewives or help their moms with the household chores. The education up to the 8th grade includes crafts which will be useful to the community. The Amish believe they need simple minds so they can lead simple lives and that higher education will encourage ideas that challenge Christian values.
7. All the Amish kids get to party at Rumspringa
So we already know from our lists that drugs and alcohol are creeping into Amish communities. But did you know that every Amish teen gets free reign to experiment when they hit 16? Amish parents either turn a blind eye or encourage their kids to indulge in the rite of passage known as Rumspringa. Amish youngsters get to go experience technology, drinking and all the fun trappings of youth culture so they know what they are missing out on. A surprising number of kids return to their communities after Rumspringa – around 80-90%. Maybe the Amish way of life is more appealing than we realize?
6. Amish women own computers and smartphones
The Amish love a loophole. Though their strict rules forbid electricity, the Amish aren’t crafting creepy dolls by candlelight. They’ve got all manner of oddball gadgets that circumvent their rules to live by. By far the best work around they have is the Amish computer. It’s no MacBook Air, but this rustic hunk of wires and circuitry gets the Amish bashing out spreadsheets, filing their taxes and typing up a storm – so long as it’s for business use. The DeskMate doesn’t have Freecell or the Internet which must make all Amish office workers about 90% more productive than the rest of the working population.
5. The dark horrors of the Amish puppy mills
Who knew that being a reclusive and obsessively private community would be an excellent front for a puppy mill biz? The Amish, that’s who! Lancaster County in Pennsylvania has become synonymous with the barbaric puppy farms and the Amish communities are among the worst offenders. From damaging dog vocal chords so they can’t bark to cramming dogs in crates for so long that they are unable to walk, it’s a secretive world that’s making the Amish a ton of money. With some breeders making over $500,000 a year the dogs are being churned out to make more and more money. With over eight million euthanized in the US every year, you might want to think twice before buying a puppy and adopt instead.
4. Once you’ve upset the Amish community, you’re kicked out
Though the Amish are all about community, if you do something to really upset them you’re going to get excommunicated. That means a total shutdown in communication. You’re thrown out of your home and your parents, friends and family won’t speak to you. For life. Just as we saw in Leanne’s backstory on Orange Is The New Black – the Amish really do bear grudges and outcasts have a hard time getting back in. Even if you’ve just done something small to upset the community you can be ‘shunned’ – which can mean sitting alone to eat, seeing your business suffer or just being ignored.
3. To date Amish women you’ll need a horse and buggy
So now you know you can wed your Amish bride for just a few hundred dollars and that they’ll be down for some fun bedroom antics – what about dating? Don’t get too excited lads, as things are definitely rated PG when it comes to courting Amish style. Though things have slightly moved on in recent years, most of the Amish dating scene still centers around the church. Worse still, you have to spend some serious time with the in-laws – before you’ve even kissed. If you’re planning on wooing an Amish girl get yourself to church. Then show your interest by offering her a ride home in your ride – a hummer with buggy wheels doesn’t count – you’ll need to go fully old school on this one. Tbh, it’s probably easier to find someone who’s DTF on Tinder.
2. Amish weddings are cheap AS ….
If you’re contemplating marrying an Amish gal, there is an upside to counterbalance the whole no tech, no internet and no modern life vibe. The weddings are cheap as can be. Amish brides don’t have a fancy expensive dress, flowers or even a ring. Your bride will have a new dress, but she’ll make it herself. For the most part it’ll look like the dresses Amish women wear each day, but for her wedding, the bride gets to choose the colour. In place of flowers some Amish brides carry celery – though it depends on the community. The one major cost? The food. Weddings can see guests of anywhere between 200-600 people. The good news is the community pitches in and helps with the cooking.
1. Things are going to get awkward on an Amish wedding night
So now you’re married. Congrats! You’ve had the reception, which by the way, had no music or dancing – people just pass the time of day, chatting. Possibly about pimping their buggies or sharing deets about crops, who knows? Anyway, you’re ready to whisk your new bride off on your honeymoon and get lucky. Slow your roll a little Casanova, it’s not going to go down like that after an Amish wedding. The newlyweds have to sleepover at the bride’s parents’ house. Eek! Let’s hope the in-laws have installed some mad soundproofing in their guest room, or else things are going to get awkward over breakfast.
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