Ahh yes… Marriage, the big game over. No more wild parties, no more getting drunk with friends who like to crash on your couch at 3 AM and not leave until sometime next week (and you don’t notice because you’re too busy with the single life). No more cruising the bars, no more jumping from dream job to dream job that only pay in satisfaction and not cash.
Marriage is the ultimate dream killer. It is the boring 9 to 5 (what a way to make a living!), it is having kids and giving up everything for them, just as your dad gave up his job as a T-Rex riding nuclear missile tamer, and your mom’s respectable dream of defeating the evil of the world with the power of rock. OK, so they never quite got that far in their careers, but you know they could have made it! Kids and marriage have a way of completely changing your life. Gone are your Nazi fighting, artifact retrieving, gun slinging buddies, and in comes Joe from Accounting and Charlie from Marketing who just can’t stop talking about how they earned that 5 cent raise three months ago because their boss forgot to fire them (they aren’t very good workers you see, and even you forgot their names by now…).
So faced with such oddities, there are things that are a must do before he ties the knot that eventually strips him of all masculine awesomeness and takes away his glorious six-pack and replaces it with domesticity and a dad bod. Things that are the ultimate in awesomeness that would leave a man so satisfied that he will not miss them because… let’s face it! There’s no way he could top them.
So here is a list of 15 such things that every man must do before marriage. Failure to do so will result in a lifetime of disappointment and talking about the glory days (that never existed because YOU DIDN’T LIVE THEM!) in bars after downing your 15th tequila. Read on, stalwart singles (and cry away, dear married dudes…).
15. Have A Foursome
Ahh yes, the classic manly deed. What is better than bedding multiple nubile ladies in bed? After all, the ultimate sign that you’re the one that the ladies love is that they insist on not taking turns. I mean if the girls can’t wait and just hop on your like no one’s business (and I mean really hop. They confuse you for a trampoline and end up breaking your ribs…) then that’s the ultimate ego booster. It’s also incredibly fun, if you don’t mind realizing that you have no less than three different girls that you must satisfy before their oversized football quarterback star, professional wrestling, US Navy Seal, and weight lifting boyfriends find out… then I think you need to go on to the next one of the list…
14. Fire A Gun
Firing something that is certainly designed as an extension of someone’s penis is an act so astronomically manly that it’s a proven fact that doing so will result in 2 inches of body hair growth and your voice dropping by 2 octaves. Containing an explosion that propels a piece of heavy metal forward and striking a target with deadly accuracy and then having it explode in a sheer fiery blaze that would make Michael Bay jealous is just… awesome…
13. Fire A Gun While Having A Foursome
If you had only one choice between firing a giant gun that gets really hot the more you shoot it… and getting hot between a foursome of ladies who just love your gun more than they love you… then why not do both? After all, forgive the innuendo, but I must make this joke. With a shotgun in hand while having sex, you can blow your load AND blow your load at the same time. Give em’ both barrels, tiger!
12. Do ALL The Drugs
Most bachelor parties are general with the men going around dressed in stupid outfits, pub crawling and going to strip clubs and other such stuff. Some even have appropriated bachelorette parties by having phallic shaped headwear. But most of what is consumed at these romps are the very humble concoction of variously flavored alcohol.
But alcohol can be consumed in married life. After all, isn’t the stereotypical deadbeat always sitting in his underwear, commanding his children to fetch him a nice cold brew (made by a heavily marketed, flavorless brand)? Even the successful married man is shown sporting a cocktail glass with something fancy (and usually on fire, demonstrating how hot he is… or was), but what is not shown is the massive amount of drugs that they are using. It is always the single, successful fella that’s using it, if a married person if using it, he’s always the pathetic one.
11. Go Mountain Climbing While On (All The) Drugs
So with the cocaine-fueled strength in your arms and the heroin-dulled pain senses, now you realize that you can accomplish anything! Why settle for simply the mountains of cocaine? Why not climb a real mountain? Of course you will… and not only because you need to escape those Colombian drug lords whose drugs had you stolen in the first place.
Maybe even while on the biggest climb in the Himalayas you might hallucinate the Yeti, and then you can dance Swan Lake with him, because that’s always a fun trip… hehehe, trip… Get it, because you’re on drugs… OK I’ll shut up now.
10. Wrestle A Bear
Climbing mountains is both manly and fun, but what is even manlier is demonstrating man’s dominance over nature. Specifically the fauna, and dangerous fauna like bears. After all, Hercules was a superbly manly man, and after he became single again, the first thing he did was wrestle a lion to death with his bare hands. Surely with all the success you’ve had so far, you must be able to beat a bear!
After all, it’s not like bears are large, omnivores with massive claws and vicious teeth that can weigh up to 700 kilograms (1600 lbs) and can be nearly seven feet tall. No… that’s not a factor at all. You can still kick their furry butts any day of the week!
9. Wrestle A Shark
Wrestling bears sure does work up a sweat, so a good swim is in order afterward to refresh the body. Our second feat of manliness that we must perform before we get married is to find the fiercest predator of the seas… the great white shark. After all, there is nothing more exhilarating than to wrestle a sandpaper-skinned beast of the sea with rows of razor sharp teeth that can completely tear you to shreds. I mean scientific fact proves that sharks do not like to eat us, which means we must actively try to provoke them into a fight and hope it gets to wrestling with us before the ocean police come along. Trust me, it isn’t pretty when those dudes pass by.
But the photographs and the stories you will tell of the time you not only wrestled a great white shark, but also mugged him for his wallet (and he later BECAME your shark-skin wallet) will be a story for the ages when you’re an obese 65-year-old talking to your grandkids about how awesome you were.
8. Wrestle A Shark In A Stadium Full Of Bears
So wrestling sharks and bears is cool, but what’s even cooler is doing it in front of an audience, and what better audience than simply to have all those bears you have beaten up and wrestled be forced to sit in a stadium while you wrestle landsharks with your bare hands and clack their heads together, all while dressed like a Roman gladiator? For your finishing move, you will eat them like sashimi and yell ‘are you not entertained?’ while your aides throw pots of honey at bears forced to dress as Winnie the Pooh.
7. Travel Through Time
So after wrestling animals, doing ALL THE DRUGS, climbing mountains and firing machineguns, we must come to the conclusion that everyone in the world thinks we’re so awesome they want our autograph… everyone that is alive today.
But today is not enough, and tomorrow is too far away, so we need to travel and experience the past, where all men were manlier and even the women cut down trees with their bare hands. We need to travel through time like your favorite time travel movie to have some totally cool adventures. Afterward, with your modern knowledge and the primitiveness of the past, you must certainly be able to take control of the world with your manliness alone!
6. Have A Threesome With Cleopatra And Joan of Arc
So after traveling back time, we realize that we need to bring the most influential and beautiful women of the past and introduce them to each other. Since sex wasn’t invented until 1963, we need to show them what that is all about, and such a thing will be completely awesome and unforgettable. Forget about modern ladies, it’s the ancient ones that are the best, because they lived shorter lives and totally knew how to live it up!
5. Defeat A Horde Of Zombies
So after time traveling and getting laid and defeating the toughest beasts alive, we need to take on the toughest enemies that aren’t alive. Zombie hordes are deadly, yet shooting and burning them is so awesome, especially when you’re dressed like Snake Plissken and have an equally epic eye-patch that you keep just for fun. Smoking cigars while smoking zombies and looking like a tough ’80s action hero is something no man must ever live without. The blood, guts and gore that your zombies spew out will lead you to a path that will contain the necrocomic-con that will lead to the ultimate nerd convention where you actually ARE the character you cosplay as. Nothing can be better. Just remember the magic words… Klatu… perada… nicktoes… or something. Failure to get that right will result in being thrown into the pit of fire for all eternity.
4. Befriend a Horde of Zombies (and Play Tennis With Them)
But why all the violence? Surely there are non-violent adventures a man must have before getting married? Amid wrestling bearsharks in front of a giant stadium full of bodybuilding Vikings, there must be something cool that doesn’t involve stuff exploding or sex happening… what about that zombie horde you shot up? Surely they aren’t all that bad, I mean they were just hungry right?
But we’re living in a time of plenty. Just give them tons of fish to placate their hunger (maybe even those sharks you’ve destroyed, along with bear meat) and then, like a bunch of stray cats, they’ll realize that you are their friend and not their enemy.
So now with a giant horde of zombies at your side, what better pastime than to play tennis with them? A simple, polite sport in society that still allows you move around quite a lot. Just please don’t knock the ball into their heads or hit their eye balls when they throw them at you, that just isn’t cool.
3. Get Superman To Give You A Ride
Flight is the most awesome thing that humanity has ever done. Taking to the skies is one of the most beautiful things that we have achieved, and it’s to remain that way until we start to travel into space more frequently.
But it’s utterly boring, getting on a plane to take off. Wouldn’t it be nicer just to… I don’t know, just fly, like Superman? I mean we all know he’s Clark Kent. Why not just go to the Daily Planet and politely ask the Man of Steel to carry us for a quick flight around the city? He does need SOME off time after all. Just please ask him not to kick your butt and then do that time travel around the world trick from Superman: The Movie so he can watch himself kick your butt. That isn’t an experience you want to have…
2. Travel Through Time… And Claim You Wrote Harry Potter
So now that the Man of Steel has given you a ride, you might want to earn some money from all this time travel. I mean being married requires cash and other stuff to provide for your family, but after doing all that we did, who wants to work a 9 to 5 job? One thing that men need to have before getting married is the admiration of having written a great novel that would make a lot of money and get tons of respect.
But writing is hard work, and needs creativity and stuff. Why not travel back in time to 1995 with your collection of Harry Potter books and just say you made them? I mean, Rowling hadn’t even started writing them yet.
1. Get Real…
Alright, so by now you realize this is all one big joke. Life isn’t about going on some insane adventures and being a man isn’t about fighting animals or destroying things or stealing stuff or chasing fictional characters. It’s about responsibility, being able to handle the stresses of life, being able to handle yourself with the difficulties that life throws at you. It’s about showing love and compassion to your fellow human beings who are also likely dealing with life’s hardships.
Most people don’t do crazy stuff like that, and that’s OK. Some people’s ambitions are to live quiet lives, have families, and live peacefully, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Marriage doesn’t destroy men like the jokes say they do. It’s simply a change, and change happens, it’s a perfectly normal part of life.
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