Every once in a while, you find yourself doing something that deep down inside you know is utterly embarrassing or flat out wrong. You wouldn’t understand how anyone else could do it but give you’ll yourself a free pass because you’re a decent person who seldom does anything wrong, or at least never gets caught performing horrendous acts of shame. Here’s a list of the top fifteen things people do in secret that they hope to never get caught doing. Some of these are just embarrassing habits while others are straight minor offenses.
The reality is that the world doesn’t need to see your bare butt while doing your business unless you have a Gerard Butler or Jessica Alba physique. We’ll let you be the judge of that. For many of these things, people will give you a free pass because everyone (sometimes subconsciously) does them. Others, like littering, start to cross the line because there’s also a good majority of us who are genuinely green and interested in saving the planet. It’s sad to think that some of these are so normal that you’ve lost all trust and hope in humanity. You simply don’t know what to believe is true anymore.
15. Brought store-bought food to a potluck and said you made it
Yes, you’ve done this. You managed to score something that looks homemade from the prepared foods section at your local grocery store, put it in a casserole dish or serving tray, and cover it nicely to make it look like you actually made something. It all goes down the same way anyway, right? Then, when people begin to compliment your dish, you actually thank them. God forbid they ever shop at the same grocery store and stumble on the dish in the future. And should it happen, no need to confess and make things awkward. Just say it must have been a similar recipe.
14. Lied about your child’s age to get free admission
You’ve most likely done this at a buffet or restaurant where kids under a certain age eat for free. Hey, it’s not your fault there’s no formal form of photo identification created for children, right? If your child is just a few months older than the cutoff, then it’s somewhat understandable. But if the kid looks like he’s getting ready for middle school, then just pay full price for heaven’s sake. He probably eats an adult portion anyway. At some point in time, the kid’s going to catch on to the fact that he’s being an involuntary participant in a minor crime.
13. Stayed a little longer just because you scored a sweet parking spot
Oh yeah, especially if it’s Black Friday or another holiday where all of the stores have hot promotions and specials going on. You just hit the jackpot and scored one of best parking spaces at the mall, close to the doors and a short distance to walk. You only planned to pick up one or two items but decide to stay longer just because you don’t want to give up that highly coveted parking spot you landed. And if this is you, you probably also take your time sitting in your car and pointlessly going through your phone while you know that there are four cars waiting to swoop in and grab your spot. But you don’t care because you feel like a king.
12. Hit your smartphone or laptop
It’s because you know they can’t fight back. They’re like your little servants, subjected to your every command until they catch a virus or slow down of old age. And in your lack of computer knowledge, you take your rage out on the poor defenseless (and lifeless) little objects. But they’re not the real ones suffering. They don’t have a heart and could care less whether or not they live to continue to serve you. You’re going to end up having to pay a couple hundred bucks fixing them now or maybe even a thousand replacing one. Way to go.
11. Snuck snacks into a theater
Shame on you when you know that snacks and drinks are the only way movie theaters can sustain themselves. You think you’re like a super slick secret agent, but it’s actually totally obvious. No one ever carries a backpack or large tote unless they’re going to sneak a pantry full of snacks into the theater. Why go to the theater anyway if you’re not going to enjoy a movie with freshly popped popcorn drenched in fatty butter with a side of iced, bubbling Diet Coke? That’s the real movie theater experience. And if this doesn’t make you feel terrible, then whatever, because your theater needs to enforce better security and start confiscating smuggled in snacks.
10. Lied to your insurance about the number of miles you drive per year
You only have one car. How’s anyone supposed to believe that you only drive 5,000 miles per year? And yet you do this every year, and should you ever get caught, you’ll just consider switching insurance companies. Yes, you’re scamming your insurance agency into giving you a lower premium (which is probably just a ten-dollar difference at max). Now, if you really want to keep your lower rate as well as your integrity, you should consider taking the metro or riding a bike for the rest of the year. Did you know that if you actually get caught lying about your mileage, your insurance can deny any future claim you and you’ll be responsible for all damages? Yikes.
9. Said you were busy just so you could stay in and watch Netflix
Okay, but you actually have a really good reason for this one so it’s somewhat justifiable. I mean, you’ve worked hard and kissed asses all week, and now you’d just like some down time. Who’s to say you don’t deserve it? We’ve all done this one too many times, and if you have kids or pets you can get more creative with your excuses. Sick babies and injured pets all qualify for a priority sympathy card. Anything to get out of seeing your biggest frenemies during your “me time.” But if you really have no good excuses, even fake ones, then you’re sure going to get caught sooner or later. Sometimes, it’s better to be real and say you just don’t feel like going.
8. Learned how to do something from YouTube and said you self-taught
Like changing a tire, playing the ukulele, or speaking a new language. Watching YouTube is not the same thing as reading a book. It’s more like someone is virtually teaching you how to do something and you’re learning from them, not from yourself. Self-taught is more like how people learn to play the piano by ear. That is a true God-given gift and quite believable. So, the next time someone is genuinely interested in knowing how you got so good at something, just give them a link or direct them to a channel. This way, you’re being honest and giving credit where it’s due.
7. Left the bathroom door open while doing your business
You have probably gotten so comfortable doing this that you don’t even care if the window that looks into your bathroom is also opened as well. The thought does cross your mind and you do wonder if there’s some random creeper in the distance spying in on you with binoculars. But you don’t really care either way because you’re home alone, comfortable, and it’s not like you’re doing anything promiscuous. Also, you’re just too lazy and closing the door adds two extra steps to your process – opening and closing. Nobody has time for that, especially not you in your “me time.”
6. Bought a book, read it, and then returned it
Alright, so most bookstores actually allow you to return books within a limited time frame. But considering that the book business is struggling, why would you want to be a contributing factor? So you weren’t a fan of the book, or you just needed to refer to a small section of it for information, the fact doesn’t change that book is no longer in brand new condition. It even smells like you now. It would be better at this point to resell it on eBay. And if you actually read the whole thing and liked it, just keep it.
5. Left a small tip and darted
It’s your first time at a restaurant and you had a pretty decent experience overall – good food, good service, etc. The only problem is that your bill came out to be a total of $23.20. Do you give an acceptable tip of 15-20%, or should you just round your bill up to $25 and call it a day? $25 it is. You’re probably not going to come back anyway, so they wouldn’t remember your face. And in case you might just find yourself coming back in the future, you decide to just dart out to make the experience less awkward.
4. Made something up to explain a Facebook de-friend
You’re enjoying yourself at a party and having a pretty chill time when someone you had hoped to never see again walks into the room. Oh no, and suddenly a slight panic attack comes over you when she brings up the big question, “Weren’t we once friends on Facebook?” Great, how do you explain this one? No one ever tells the honest truth, “Oh, actually I de-friended you.” That would just make the situation far too awkward. So instead, you either act like you have no idea what she’s talking about or make up some exaggerated excuse like, “My cat de-friended a bunch of people including my own family members.”
3. Lied to a Target cashier for a price adjustment
Target is known for their unmatched customer service, which is why you’ll never see a guest service member arguing with a customer. If you want to see that kind of drama, go to Walmart. Instead, Target really practices the whole “the customer is always right” concept. But there are probably too many people taking advantage of this (feeling like they’ve unlocked some secret weapon) that stricter policies will start being enforced. There’s no way that vacuum was advertised for $15. You were probably looking at the price of the mop hanging next to it. Next time, take a picture on your phone and bring it with you so that you’re at least not trying to take advantage of the only decent store left in the country.
2. Left your drink in the parking lot
It’s called littering. You always hate it when this happens to you. You’re turning into a parking space and crap, there’s an extra large soft drink sitting in the precise position of next to your driver’s door. Great, now if people see that drink, they’re going to think you’re the culprit. You curse the world and wonder how such lazy people could exist. And then you find yourself in the unlikely situation several weeks later. You’ve got a drink you no longer want and what do you do? Put it right outside your driver’s door and take off. Captain Planet would be so disappointed.
1. Lied about why you were late when you really just slept in
It’s okay. This happens way too often and your boss probably doesn’t even care to hear another lousy excuse. Among the most popular so far; your toilet suddenly flooded, your car died and then magically restarted, there were six major accidents on the road that weren’t reported on the news, or your imaginary cat broke a leg and you had to take her to the vet. All plausible reasons if you’re seldom late. But one too many excuses and people will start to expect something grandiose every time. Also, you’ll eventually just catch yourself tangled in a web of lies when they actually remember to ask you a week later, “How’s your cat doing?”
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