What pushed you to want to find out how to tell if she’s receiving the monstrous monthly gift? Did she make a fuss when you ate up her chocolate? Or did she stain your bed when she came to your place for a sleepover, and you didn’t know what to do or say? Oh, I know why! You want to mark the safe days for the cookie right? You want to be 5 miles ahead of her, huh? Could you be the “I hope she’s not pregnant, God give me a sign” paranoia type? Please note, there are ovulation calendars for this if you want to go digital on the signs. What will you tell her when she finds you reading this post though?
Let me help you out. Tell her it’s a science project or some little digging for a research paper. Well, whatever the reason, congratulations for successfully getting over your fear of this damn menstruation topic. To all men who want to go the manual way of finding out when Santa’s visited her with monthly gifts, this list could save you big time. Please note these signs vary from one woman to another. Some women go through this phase with very intense pain and symptoms while for some it’s almost painless. Seems like you can’t simply ask her about it; let’s commence the Premenstrual Syndrome (PMS) hints her body lays out for you, and how to identify them.
15. The betraying elephant pimple
This is the easiest way to identify a monthly-gifted lady. The red, gigantic and stone hard acne is often seen on her forehead, her nose area, her chin or on her cheek bone. Warning though!!! If you dare speak to her about her acne in any demeaning manner, or in a way to rub it in her face that you know she’s got her monthly flows, then you’ve got some balls. You just awakened a lying dragon. She will breathe down on you with a fire trail of insults, thanks to her hormones.
14. Are her emotions all over the place?
Have you had the cliché statement often used on girls who throw tantrums and act all bitchy? It normally sounds close to this: “Girl, you need to get laid your hormones are so PMS!” The emotions normally start with a heap of moodiness – one minute she could be jumpy and excited about something, and in the next she could be all gloomy, brooding or having crying spells. Always try to be on the safe side with your female boss, you never know when she is hosting some guests at her ‘VJ’; a simple mistake could send you packing. Making a simple mistake could make your ears deafened by non-stop rants of a “PMS’ing” woman. It’s like a booby trap. Keep off if you can’t stop being annoying.
13. Does she act disinterested in fun activities with no just cause?
This is called the depression gift card. It comes in slowly with a wave of her staying longer in bed; then she cancels all the plans she had for the day for no concrete reason. Don’t scold her or jump to conclusions during this phase – refer to sign number two just in case you are wondering why. Not even a pep talk from Oprah or TD Jakes could set her on her feet. This card is definitely delivered when all she shows interest in is watching movies from the bed, eating, showering and sleeping – okay maybe some little toilet breaks – as explained in the next point.
12. Do you hear any racing motor engine sounds from the lavatory?
If your answer is yes, then she is going through the bloating and diarrhea phase of her gift. Please note that there is a difference between this and a normal upset stomach. If she complains of a bloat accompanied by the other signs on this list, then she’s got a guest. If not, or if diarrhea gets severe stop probing for the signs and take her to the hospital for proper medical advice. It might sound funny that she is going to the loo every 10 seconds, but it is a serious issue that should be managed by lots of water and non-bloating foods and roughages. If this bothers you, then don’t visit her house during her periods.
11. Is she sending you erotic messages then suddenly avoiding you?
A woman in her monthly gift phase is a hall pitfall of hormones waiting to be devoured and quenched. If she is the type that gets this sign before her flows, then you could go ahead and make a decision. Wink! Ladies get extremely aroused just before their periods. If she is the unfortunate one with the ovulation hormones screaming concurrent to her flow, you will have to keep the zip up a little while longer; her low sex drive would make her avoid you. A quick rejoinder though, she is not on her P’s every time she tries to ‘sext’ you, she is simply trying to be erotic at times. Be warned, the ones that come towards the end of the month (for most women, but not all) is the cheeky hormone bound one. If she’s your woman, studying and mastering her cycle could help you avoid a booty call though. Do men actually mind being bootie- called?
10. Is she sleeping/lying with knees up to her stomach?
This is an evident remedy position for the pain she could be experiencing in her lower back or around her groin. You could choose to admire the position she is cuddled up in – it’s compared to how a child fold’s in the mother’s womb. You could alternatively choose to offer a helping hand (this will earn you 50,000 points). Simply let her lie in a resting position and rub her back gently in circles. This is the greatest therapy she would love to get from you but might not ask it out loud. The pains almost feel like a baby playing around with a needle on your skin, dragging it left and right aimlessly. Ouch!
9. The intense food craving gift card
“I want a box of chocolate.” “I want a whole pack of sausage to myself.” “I want some soda” “Get me a crate of eggs.” Whenever she is going through her PMS, she loses a lot of blood and a segment of her uterus – a very painful and draining process. Her body also goes through lots of reproductive activity and might yell at her to feed it certain protein foods such as eggs, chicken, sausages, bacon to help build and reconstruct her body. Watch out for the intense craving for sugary foods commonly chocolates and soda which the body needs to add some glucose and energy; she will also demand lots of drinks to rehydrate after a long day of frequent episodes of diarrhea. She might also start eating a larger food portion than her usual thanks to the increased appetite. A woman in her menses almost behaves like a pregnant woman on the cravings, if you want to have a peaceful night’s rest, go to your buddy’s place or stay in the house ready to play the errand boy for her.
8. Are her breasts tender or puffed?
This might be tricky because you have to feel them to know. Some women experience pain on their breasts during their period. They are the type that could box you if your hand mistakenly runs by their boobies. To some, they might not be painful but extremely tender and heavier than usual. The pain and tenderness will only end when the progesterone levels get lower after her periods stop. PG is recommended for this one; you don’t want your curious young son, touching ladies experimentally to prove this statement. This only applies to your girl when she allows you to.
7. The high irritability gift card
A woman in her period is the most sensitive and reactive woman; don’t dare cross her path. She could get as snappy as a bipolar patient thanks to her high hormonal dose and sensitivity. How bad can it get? Should you be scared? Yes! Yes! As a matter of fact, you should run away from her if you can’t stop being cocky, abusive, too loud, or annoying around her. A lady on her menses could rant at you for eating the bagel she gave you to finish up eating. Please note, if your girlfriend is the type that gets outbursts of anger on a normal day, proceed into a problem-solving conversation with her very rationally or wait for the gift phase to pass. Dude! She is high on anger hormones. Some ladies have mastered how to control this, but some haven’t so treat each one differently.
6. Is she pulling the acute exhaustion card?
Women during this phase grow tired frequently because of the amount of activity going on in her body at this time. Let’s do a recap; her uterine wall is shedding off – it could take as much energy from her as it would when one is trying to bring a concrete wall down. She also loses a lot of blood, feels weak and drained after spells of a running stomach and spends the better part of the day lying down lazily. Don’t blame her, let her take the rest. Colleagues going through this could get slower than usual or take frequent breaks. You are now in the know.
5. Goodbye sleep gift card – Insomnia
Have you ever tried sleeping but your baby brother tries climbing on you, slaps you, or scratches you with his long nails? That is how a woman feels. The pain is too excruciating that she can’t find the correct position to lie, she keeps on tossing and turning. She also experiences a sharp pain that she can’t ignore unless she gets a dose of painkillers or sleeping pills. There is another lot of women who sleep a lot during this phase, so be on the lookout for both signs of abnormal sleep patterns. Don’t you dare disrupt her sleep; cut her some slack, she didn’t have any rest until the a.m. hours.
4. Her mind buffers like a zombie
During her period she slows down or forgets certain information very easily. The same hormones that command her forgetful tendency during pregnancy are the similar ones at work in her Ps. She not only forgets a lot of things during this phase but also goes through a hard time while trying to concentrate and retain information. Her mind during the monthly gift tells her, “Let’s go on a vacay girlie, just you and me. “ How would she concentrate when her mental system is on the hibernating mode? She might need to study unusually longer to grab a concept that would take her a minute to take in.
3. She doesn’t feel the family or friends’ hangout vibe
This could happen not only due to her PMS but under normal circumstances. Whenever she shows signs of sudden withdrawal from people or does not act like her normal self would around her friends and family, she could be going through the depression phase of her periods. She might not be in the mood to go out for a date at this point nor having a family day out. All she will seem to be interested in is being in bed or curled up on the couch with a bar of chocolate and a remote control flipping through channels. If this continues after her periods, reach out and know what the problem is.
2. She complains of a hammer banging her head endlessly
This is the serious phase of acute migraines and headaches. This would be the major reason why she would avoid noisy places, or she would request you to tone it down a li’l bit. Some ladies don’t believe in taking painkillers during this period, if she is the pain-reliever type, run to the drug store and get her some pain meds to ease her pain. Without the meds be ready to take a whispering journey. To the married couples, the li’l child’s cry could be very annoying to her during this phase, try and take the weight off her shoulders for about two days or so.
1. Out of the blue puking/acute nausea
This comes once when her periods are about to begin. The nauseated and sickly feeling could be mistaken for pregnancy, but it might not be. Whenever the vomiting and morning sickness fades after a while followed by her periods, then you’ve got nothing to worry about. If the vomiting goes on for more than two days then you should advise her to seek medical attention; she could be ailing from a different disease. If nausea continues and she misses her periods, dude you’re up for some babysitting in a few months to come. All the best ‘bruh’ you need it.
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