Oh, well imagine. You’re pacing the pews in a church corridor when you can’t help but eavesdrop on a conversation between two members of the staff in the other room. Apparently, the poor groom’s bride has been sleeping with his best friend. Of course, you’re incensed by this. You yell at them, outraged they didn’t shut the door to shield you from this news. Eventually, you realize it’s better this way. I mean, technically, your marriage is saved. So, you call for a toast and pour a round of champagne. The bubbles don’t sit right on your tongue, but you go through with the ceremony anyway. Look at it this way, if this happens to you on your big day, get out while you still can buddy! It’s much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.
Here comes the bride…or maybe not. A woman’s wedding day is supposed to be the best day of her life. Some girls spend their childhoods with a tea towel draped over her head and bouquet of dandelions clutched in her tiny fists. But the actual day doesn’t always go as smoothly as the many hours of mental rehearsals did. An event as big as a wedding has many moving pieces, which leaves plenty room for things to fall out of place. Most mishaps aren’t a big deal – depending on the bride, that is. A dropped plate, misplaced nametag, or crooked flower arrangement aren’t the end of the world. But there are a few mishaps that could spell the end of a marriage before it begins.
15. Dad Hits On The Bride
Of course, you want your parents to love your future wife as much as you do. Just not in the same way as you do. It’s sweet of your dad to ask for a dance with your blushing bride at the reception. What’s not so sweet is when you and all your guests see his hand sliding a little too low. If Pops can’t keep his hands to himself in front of all of your friends and family, just imagine how the rest of your lives are going to go! The last thing you want to do is spend Thanksgiving every year worried that your dad might not be keeping his feet to himself under the table. Not to mention how Mom feels. Do you want her resenting your wife every time they’re together? Because don’t think for a second she doesn’t know what Dad is up to. It’s probably best if you do all the slow dancing with your wife on your wedding day to avoid an awkward conversation at future family gatherings.
14. An Ex Objects
First of all, no exes at the wedding. Trust me. I don’t care how good of terms you guys left it on, they don’t belong at a ceremony where you profess your undying love and commitment to another woman. But if you decide to go against this advice because she insists she’s friends with her ex, then you better make sure that’s all they are. The objection part of the marriage script is rarely used anymore – I don’t even know why they still include it, honestly – but all it takes is one hung up ex to ruin your special day. Even if there’s nothing going on between the two of them, nothing kills the mood faster than someone telling you that you shouldn’t get married on your wedding day. Stay on the safe side and keep the guest list platonic, so you can keep your bride.
13. Cold Feet
I probably don’t even need to tell you this, but if the bride or groom doesn’t show up at the altar it’s probably a bad sign. You have to have two people up there if you want to have a wedding. A lot of times, that’s it. The bride runs off in her gown, hops in a taxi, and you never see her again – which is probably for the best. But sometimes, she comes to her senses and back to the church. That’s what you have to watch out for. No matter how much she apologizes, how much she assures you that it was just a lapse in judgment, or how many times she tells you she does love you, there will always be a kernel of doubt in the back of your mind. There’s no erasing the knowledge that she tried to run out on you once, and she might do it again. Eventually, that’s going to eat away at you until you’re the one hopping in the taxi. But this time you’re the one not coming back.
12. Mother Of The Groom Trash Talks The Bride
We all know Moms are never short on opinions. She’s the one you were most worried about introducing your wife to because no one’s ever been good enough for her baby boy. Unfortunately, the woman you decided to spend the rest of your life with is no exception. Ever since the proposal, she hasn’t wasted an opportunity to ask you when you’re breaking up with her. You’d hoped she’d stay tight-lipped about it at the actual wedding, but after you chose to serve chicken instead of steak after her third glass of Chardonnay, she has a lot to say to anyone who will listen. It’s one thing if your mom doesn’t approve of the relationship, but it’s another if she dislikes your bride so much she’s willing to broadcast it to members of her own family.
11. Creepy Uncle Gets Drunk
It’s tacky not to have an open bar at your wedding. But it’s also tacky to have your drunk uncle stumbling through the banquet hall yelling obscenities at the bridesmaids. You can’t not invite him, but someone has to make sure he doesn’t cause a scene. If you spend all of your energy preventing a disaster all evening, your bride is going to notice. Your wedding day is supposed to be about celebrating your love for one another, not making sure Uncle Tom isn’t double fisting cocktails. Your bride is going to get upset that you’re not giving her the lion’s share of your attention on this day, and that’s going to sour the rest your relationship moving forward. It’s not your day, Uncle Tom. Do yourself a favour and lose his invitation in the mail.
10. Maid Of Honor Upstages The Bride
The love of your life has probably been friends with her maid of honor since elementary school. They’ve shared everything from slices of birthday cake to playground crushes, but today is different. Today is all about the bride, and her BFF isn’t taking that so well. The maid of honor has turned into a maid of horror as she tries to upstage her friend around every corner. She already made her speech all about the time they went skinny dipping in Greece and got caught by two fishermen who were totally checking her out. It’s only a matter of time before she stops you near the bathroom and tries to make a move. There’s no winning for you in that situation. Either you turn her down and she tells the bride or you go along with it and she tells the bride. She’s going to make trouble for you throughout your entire marriage, so make sure you draw the line before the ceremony.
9. Hiring A DJ Instead Of A Band
Now, this might not sound like such a big deal but hear me out. If you’re not going to put effort into the wedding then you won’t be putting it in the marriage. A DJ screams laziness and you don’t want your guests, or more importantly, your bride, thinking that you just phoned it in. I’m not saying you have to hire an entire orchestra, but it’s important for you to realize that the little things are actually representative of the big things. Plus, have you ever heard of anyone saying that their favorite part of a wedding was the Cha Cha Slide? Didn’t think so.
8. Groom Swaps Spit With A Bridesmaid
Do you really think starting the rest of your lives together by kissing one of her friends is a recipe for a successful marriage? I don’t care how hot her friends are! Making out with anyone but the bride on your wedding day is a definite no-no. You vowed to kiss her lips and her lips only, ‘til death do you part. There are plenty of mistakes that you both will make throughout the course of your marriage, but trust me, you don’t want to start with one this huge. Put down that sixth glass of champagne if you have to. Honestly, if you need a listicle to tell you that sticking your tongue down another woman’s throat on your wedding day is a disaster, then there’s not much else I can do for you.
7. The Venue Burns Down
Not with all your guests inside of course, though that would be tragic too. Let’s say you’re planning the ceremony in the old church that your future wife’s mother and grandmother before her were married in. It’s been a symbol of eternal love in her family for many generations and she grew up dreaming about the perfect wedding in that chapel. Everything is going smoothly until, as old buildings made of wood tend to do, the church goes up in flames! It was a freak accident, a lightning strike or electrical wiring gone bad. Your bride is devastated. She can’t picture herself getting married anywhere else, and you can’t blame her. That church burning down is a message from God, a bad omen, a symbol of the end of eternal love. Whether or not any of that is true, if you can’t make it through this minor setback as a couple just imagine how you two will deal with more important upsets down the line.
Planning a wedding is stressful. There’s no denying that, but if the stress turns your bride into someone you can barely recognize, then that spells trouble! There are things worth getting upset about, and then there are things like the napkins being off-white instead of eggshell, that aren’t. You don’t want to be walking on those eggshells all day making sure you don’t upset your blushing bride. If she’s more focused on the flower arrangements than on you, then you might be in for a bumpy marriage. A wedding is just that, a wedding. But a marriage is something special. The best day of your life shouldn’t also be the worst. If your girl can’t seem to wrap her mind around that then, maybe she shouldn’t be your girl.
5. Best Man Loses The Rings
Your best man is the greatest drinking buddy in the world. He’s there when you need to crack open a cold one and complain about work, but he’s not the most responsible person in the world. Even so, there’s no one you’d rather have standing next to you on your wedding day. You’ve decided to trust him with this one thing, all he has to do is keep track of the wedding rings until the ceremony. But when the moment rolls around, he looks at you and shrugs unapologetically. You should have known better. Your bride thinks so too, but she doesn’t tell you as much as shows you by storming back down the aisle. You might be able to console her, maybe even convince her to go through with the marriage sans rings, but she’ll still always remember your best man as the guy who couldn’t be responsible for one thing. Which means you’ll always be the guy whose best friend is untrustworthy. Do you really want to start your marriage with her resenting you for that?
4. Postponing The Honeymoon
Some people decide to have their wedding, party all night at the reception, and then go home and back to their normal lives for a couple of weeks before they jet set off to their honeymoon. Some even skip the thing altogether! Take my advice. Don’t do this. You’re riding the high of just dedicating your lives to each other in front of your friends and family. Do you really want to go straight back into everyday life? Waiting to go on the honeymoon will just let the adrenaline of actually getting married wear off and then it’s just a normal vacation. Go full boar at this marriage thing, man! Sleep in a bed full of rose petals. Drink champagne in the ocean. Tandem bungee jump strapped to your new bride. There will be time for everyday life for the rest of your lives. Keep the energy going for as long as you can.
3. Parents Refuse To Come
Sometimes mom and dad aren’t going to get along with the woman you’ve chosen to spend the rest of your life with. In extreme cases, they’ll even boycott the whole thing. Normally I’d say true love conquers all or some cliché like that, but if both mom and dad are agreeing on something then you might want to take a second look. If they feel strongly enough to not come to the single biggest event of your entire life, then they might be onto something. I know she’s beautiful and she listens to you, but she also talks trash about your sister and uses your credit card without asking. Save yourself the trouble, and the cash, and call off the wedding. This is one of those rare occasions where mama actually does know best.
2. Guest List Too Big
I’ve seen it happen before, a couple sits down to decide who they want to invite to the wedding and the list gets out of control before they know it. If you invite Uncle Ernie, then we have to invite Aunt Cathy, and if Aunt Cathy comes she’s going to want to bring her friend Martha. It’s easy to fall into the trap of not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings by leaving them out, but you want to spend your big day surrounded by your friends and family, not their’s. The bigger the guest list, the bigger the stress list, and the more chance you’ll have of awkwardly reintroducing yourself to Aunt Cathy’s friend Martha. Cut it down to only the people you and your future wife care most about, feelings be damned. This is your day, and you should be able to celebrate it with only the people who matter most.
1. Spending All Your Savings
The florist, the photographer, the dress, the cake, the ice sculpture, the mime – don’t let your wedding get away from you! There’s plenty of pressure from Pinterest and your bride, I’m sure, to make this the best wedding anyone has ever seen. Don’t fall for it. Your wedding should be the best wedding for you, your bride and no one else. No matter what “The Knot” says, you don’t need gold leafing on the wedding cake or a real pearl collar for your dog the ring bearer. Save your money for last minute vacations to Paris, or splurge dinners, or his and her golf clubs – whatever you’re into, I’m not judging. My point is, that there are so plenty of better things you could be spending your money on than an ice sculpture carved in the shape of your bride. Don’t forget that a wedding is only one day that marks the beginning of the rest of your lives together. Don’t blow it, or your money.
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