NASA – the criminally underfunded agency that was put in place to sort of recklessly shoot people, dogs, and some monkeys off of the planet strapped to giant explosives, and into the dark reaches of the cosmos. Such a beautiful concept.
Since its inception, NASA has proven to be the very pinnacle of elite science, and as such chooses only the best samples from the human species to experience the wonders that space travel has to offer.
Seriously, is anyone else bitter that they’re not among that elite? It keeps us up at night on a regular basis.
So when NASA astronauts come out of the woodwork and make claims, revelations, and confessions they tend to be treated quite seriously. There’s a certain credibility to those claims that no-one else has.
Even if those claims include Lionel Richie suggesting on British daytime television that his good friend Buzz Lightyear (might have been Aldrin, we don’t hear so well these days) has confessed to him about extraterrestrial experiences, we sit up and listen.
Or sit up and head to the message boards.
Yep, most of these confessions are in some way related to the presence of aliens among us, but there are also some surprising revelations completely unconnected to little green men and their obsession with our human anuses.
Let’s kick off with Lionel Richie’s best friend.
20. Space Bureaucracy
You know how it is, you’re coming back from your vacation, you’ve been prodded and probed by the TSA, spent hours in a cramped cylinder, and then some jerk wants to check your luggage for customs purposes…and moon rocks.
That’s right, not satisfied that Buzz Aldrin was the 2nd man to step on the surface of the giant rock that hovers precariously over our heads affecting our tides and sanity, the US government had him fill out a customs form upon his return.
The forms, posted by Dance-Master Aldrin (official title) on twitter in 2015, show that he had to declare to Uncle Sam that he was returning to earth with “moon dust” and “moon rocks”. These days we’re more sophisticated, of course, and rather than declaring it to customs, people returning from vacation with rocks and dust just put them in condoms and keister them.
Aldrin got his own back, though, and put in an expenses claim for $33. Popular belief is this was for a car rental, but we’d like to think it was for tang and ladies of the night.
19. Boot Full of Pee
Buzz Aldrin can claim some amazing feats. Primary among them is convincing people to call him “Buzz” instead of “Edwin”. Kudos. That’s like convincing your friends to call you “Ninjashark” instead of “Norman”.
Aldrin has often boasted that while Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, he was the first to pee on it. Well now, we all assumed this was a nice, sanitary urination into some kind of colostomy bag – but with a more NASA name…cosmic pee sack?
Turns out, because Armstrong’s landing was a little too good and failed to crumple the legs of the module as expected, he and Aldrin had to jump from a larger height than planned for. As a result, Aldrin’s pee tube disconnected from it’s housing and he wound up peeing in his boot.
That’s one squelchy step for a man…
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