20 Things Men Do That Scream Desperation
Dating is a dance. We’re moved as our spirits compel us. Whether it is a simple swipe right or swipe left, casual encounters, or serious relationship hunting, dating is a dance and there are some moves that just scream desperation. Nothing sends a woman running faster than that first whiff of insecurity or the moment after 50 text messages when her gut tells her you’re a Cling-on. Why is it so easy to see it when your friends do it but you just can recognize your own desperate tactics?
Again, dating is a dance. You want to be cool, collected, confident and smooth, even if inside you are unsure of every move you’re making. When it feels like you’re flailing around, all limbs going in the wrong direction, it’s time to stop and take a few lessons. You’re going to hurt yourself and your dating potential if you don’t check yourself. “But what?” you may ask. “What could I possibly be doing that screams desperation?” Surprisingly enough, there may even be things on this list that you didn’t expect or realize would come off desperate. In all counts, it doesn’t hurt to take a good hard look at our behaviors before jumping onto the dance floor.
20. Only Talking About Work
It’s all fine and dandy that you are a great guy with a good job and good credit. But when it all comes down to it, what brings you to life? What are you passionate about? What do you do in your real life, not just your work life that defines who you are? It’s boring if you have nothing to offer but shop talk and discussions about the weather or what you ate for breakfast. What do you do for fun? You do have fun, right? If you don’t have a life, get a life. Desperation goes down, attractiveness goes up instantly.
19. Living Online
Social network stalking is tempting. It is so easy to get caught in link clicking that leads us down a path of knowing everything about the person on the other end that they want you to know and even the subtle nuances they don’t. But how creepy is that? If we knew who all was looking at our posts and online profiles, we’d probably be completely creeped out. So, don’t be the creep and get offline and live a little. Social media is not real, it is an illusion. Stop living an illusion and get in the game. There’s nothing to compare yourself if you shut the screen. Do your thing!
18. Being Too Available
If you are the person who answers the phone always ready to say yes to any outing that comes your way, stop that. Why are you so available to everyone? Why are they so important that you are just waiting for their call to do something? Get busy, be busy, do things for yourself, with your friends, don’t wait for a girl to call to make plans, make your plans and if your schedule fits hers, then cool, if not, reschedule. If a girl wants to see you or be around you, she won’t lose interest if you have a life (See #1) and have plans made. Flip side, anyone who expects you to drop everything for them is also not worth your time. Be less available.
17. Being Too Clingy
Seriously though, are you clingy? Do you need to know where your girl is at all the time and check in all the time? Stop prying! It’s annoying. It is human nature to want attention from the object of our affection but needing it all the time is weak. Ask yourself why you need to hang on so tight and keep such close tabs, why you must check in so often and make conversation for no reason. It’s good to hold on to the person you love but you don’t want to squeeze the life out of them. Being clingy will only land you on the one-way street to Soloville which will them possibly compound the problem in future relationships. Let go a bit. It’ll be ok.
16. being overly about relationship status
Constantly updating your relationship status on social media each time you get passed the three date mark is not cool. Why does the whole world have to know that you are seeing someone after a minute? Yes, we get it, you’re happy to have met someone, they are great, in fact super, they could be THE ONE! Right, ok, but wasn’t that what you said a few months ago, about the last person you dated? Think about this. Changing your relationship status all the time kind of shows you to be updateable or your picker is severely off and you date nasty girls. If it isn’t serious, be casual and keep your relationship status low key. Things will be a lot less complicated for you.
15. Rambling through text
You just meet a girl, you seem to hit it off and you get her number. Do not make your first texts to her transcribed as mini novels. Pretend it is Twitter and stick with the 140-character rule and shut up. Have you even looked at your phone and in the five minutes it was sitting on the table someone has sent you 3 long texts that take a few minutes to read? They require attention and focus and these messages usually come from friends or family. Don’t do that to someone you just met. Or just started dating. Refrain, hold back a bit. Match her pace. This doesn’t mean you’re playing games, you’re just trying to not come on too strong.
14. Unable to Wait For An Answer
Currently, chances are everyone you text is getting your text within a reasonable time. The worst, like absolute worst is following up a text with a text to see if the person got it or even worse than this, the loathed question mark. Who does that? Who demands a response from someone who may possibly be legitimately busy? And then to follow up with another text demanding an answer? Chances are you may not get any answers at all, ever again. Be patient. Put the phone down. If she wants to talk to you, she will get back to you when she can. And don’t ever, ever send “??” as a follow-up. That’s so tacky.
13. Getting too intense
Yes, a girl likes to be surprised with some lovely flowers or something cute when you meet to go out with her at first. Most girls probably don’t even expect any type of gift or present but what they don’t expect more is you professing your undying love and asking her to marry you before you even know how the other takes their coffee in the morning. Have you any clue how uncomfortable that feels? Has a girl ever had a crush on you and every time she looks at you with those eyes you know it’s a little too intense for your liking? Yeah, don’t do that to women. Women like sensitivity and affection and all that but slow the truck down instead of plowing into love, marriage and the baby carriage.
12. Showing up without notice
Sure, we have all seen those romantic interludes in movies where they guy finds himself outside a woman’s window, singing, serenading her and she is so smitten she falls in love with him happily ever after. Let’s be clear that if you show up at a girl’s place who you barely know or are just starting to date, unannounced and without notice, that’s borderline creepy. Do you want to have a conversation with a woman who pities you and is just talking to you because you made the situation so uncomfortable that it’s her only choice? Make a plan, let her anticipate seeing you or want to instead of forcing your face in her space. You’ll go father by planning things than trying too hard to make something ‘interesting’ happen.
11. Trying to buy her affection
Well, maybe you can but do you want to? And the fact remains that most women, if they are given too many elaborate or expensive gifts all at once, that can be a huge turn off. It’s hard to accept something without having to feel like something is owed, especially if it is elaborate. There’s nothing wrong with going for a nice meal but don’t blow a week’s pay on trying to impress her every weekend because chances are you will end up alone and poor. You may find the more you spend, the less attractive you are to the woman you want to date. Overspending off the bat screams that you have no more to offer than money. We all know you do though, right?
10. Rushing into being “exclusive”
Have you ever been cornered by a new woman you’re dating and she looks you in the eyes and says, “We are going to have beautiful children.”? This is when you run, and run so fast away from this crazy person who wants to tie you down and tame your wild spirit! No way, not you! But then you meet the woman of your dreams and you know, just know, this is it. But she is tepid, lukewarm. The last thing you want to do is go in like a steam roller into exclusivity talks too soon. When people become exclusive, it is because they are sure they want to date each other. Pressuring someone to be exclusive too early is a sure-fire way to scare them off for good.
9. Probing for information
What a woman does in her spare time is none of your business. If you have just started seeing her, asking her about who else she is seeing, what she does with them, etc. is seriously, none of your business. Let’s flip this, if she chose to share all her details with you, would it make you feel uncomfortable maybe? Maybe. So why put pressure on someone you hardly know (but want to know) to divulge their secrets? Don’t you think she will open up if she wants? And anyway, there are some things that just don’t need to be discussed. Asking too many questions makes you look insecure in your own awesomeness, as if you are into comparing. And you’re not insecure, right?
8. Being insecure
It hurts to read, it’s true. And it is even harder to admit. Do you need constant approval for your every move? Do you need confirmation that your outfit matches and you look fly? Do you need to be told every minute of every day that you’re her only one and that you’re the best lover in the world and her life isn’t complete without you? True desperation is a tough hole to patch and if you are insecure, your desperation quotient just skyrocketed. Insecurity is exhausting for anyone around it, for you too. Do something about it! Go to a gym, get your broken tooth fixed, dye your hair, whatever makes you feel uneasy about yourself, you are the best person to fix it. Being self- assured starts with self-talk, turn your self-talk around positively to build yourself up.
7. Letting Go Of Friends
Often times, when a desperate person starts dating someone new, they drop all their friends and fall off the face of the earth. As if instantly, ties are cut off the Girl Wonder gets 110% of all your attention, time, energy and love. After all you want her to feel like the special flower she is, right? WRONG. A woman likes it when a man has a social life and friends. It shows he is has healthy human relationships and an ability to balance. Stop putting friendships on hold for the women you date. Even if your bros brush it off, to a girl, it is weird. We all know about “Bromance” so if you don’t have any of that going on, you may not have much romance either. When all your affections are showered down on your Lady Love, it may creep her right out.
6. Lowering Standards
We all have standards and there is nothing wrong with that. We have things we can handle from our partners and things we won’t accept. In times of desperation we may feel the need to lower our standards to be dateable. You can justify in your head, “Well she only drinks 6 nights a week, not 7.” And you personally don’t drink at all and shouldn’t be with a drinker. What if you hate smoking, will you make excuses for the hot chick who smokes just because you’re lonely? What if you want kids someday and she already has 3 and doesn’t want any more? These are just general examples of how we can change our standards. If our head is in the right place, we’d never entertain lowering our standards but sometimes, it’s hard not to. We can justify things in our minds only so long.
5. Becoming a doormat
Desperate people tend to rationalize or justify being treated poorly. Fact is, some women out there are complete sharks and they will destroy the men the meet. Are you ok being treated poorly just to get laid? Day in and day out, are you ok having someone demean you or talk down to you or shake your self-worth? No, none of us are ok with this but for some reason, as the saying goes, “desperate times call for desperate measures” and somehow, we justify that it is ok. Is she that good looking that she can make you feel like crap? No one is worth losing self-esteem over and no one is the boss of you. You want a partnership, not a dictatorship. You are not a doormat!
4. Dissing others
If you possess any of the ingredients of insecurity, it is only natural to want to say negative things about others to make yourself look and feel better. It’s something we humans have become professionals at, tearing others down. But how does make the person you’re sitting in front of talking to feel? Being derogatory or negative about others gives a false high, a false sense of security and that can be smelled a mile away. It’s also fair for your date to wonder what you will say about her when she isn’t around. Instead of pointing out the bad qualities you perceive in others, take a good hard look why you feel the need to do it in the first place.
3. Lacking Originality
What makes you, you? Why are you unique and original? If you don’t have an answer, you may find yourself in the ‘basic’ category with very little to offer. This could mean you buy things because you hear they are popular or advertising says it’s what you need. You dress like you stole from the store window mannequin, so perfectly coiffed. But lack of originality screams desperation for acceptance from the outside world. Like you need to be what someone else says you should be to have value. This isn’t the case. Most women want something quirky, unique, fun, adventurous, daring, just plain different from the other guys they’ve met. Use your uniqueness, don’t desperately try to mask it.
Bragging about what you have, what you do, how much money you make, how many women you have dated, the measurements of your appendages, it’s all so desperate. If you must brag, then things aren’t that great. Let your success speak for itself if you are successful and keep your humility in check! Overcompensation is a blatant way to scream you need attention or approval, or maybe that you don’t feel you measure up in other parts of life. Let your woman discover all the great things you do. You don’t need to say a word when she sees you receiving props and accolades. There is far more power in action than in simply talking about things. Show her, don’t tell her.
In the quest for the perfect partner, sometimes we forget to have fun and the dating dance becomes work instead of fun. Overthinking and being so profound can take a lot of joy out of the initial stages of getting to know someone. Have fun! Take off the pressure. Act without expectation. Going about finding a date is not like something out of Mission Impossible and if you approach it as a necessity or must have, not only will you turn off any female that glances your way but you miss out on having fun in life and enjoying the single time you have. Embrace the uncertainty and realize it doesn’t come with a hard and fast plan. The more you make dating feel like work, the more desperate you come off and eventually become.
After these indications, are you ready to tango? Are you ready to face the dating dance with renewed fluidity? No human is perfect and we go through different stages at different times of our lives, often changing our moves on the dance floor. But the key is to be confident in your moves, be respectful, have fun, be authentic and true to yourself, relax and go with the flow. Happy dating to you all!
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