Let’s face it, there are some jobs we just can’t do ourselves. Heart transplants, artificial insemination of lions, entertaining children – none of these are things we really want to be messing with, so we’re happy to hire a professional. The same goes for our murderous needs. So few of us are equipped to deal with the excess gallons of blood, or the logistics of setting up a high-powered rifle, and then there’s the downright ickiness of disposing of the corpse. No, for these things we turn to the internet and Google our friendly neighborhood hitman – if you’re sensible you did this in incognito mode.
But this piece isn’t about the sensible majority of us, the ones who ensure that our contract killer is fully bonded and insured, that she does the job quickly and cleanly, preferably leaving behind nothing but the heady stench of a job well done. No, these are the dumb employers, the imbeciles that pick up their hitmen in bulk on the cheap, and then leave web reviews under their own names. From bargain basement budgeters, to maladjusted children, these are just a smattering of the mouth-breathers who thought they could violently catspaw their way out of a minor inconvenience. Use this as a cautionary guide if you will, just don’t follow their example.
15. If At First You Don’t Succeed, Don’t Hire An Alcoholic.
In 2014, businessman Konstantin Monastyrsky decided that he quite fancied living the carefree life of a singleton, without the inconvenience of divorcing his wife and giving up half of his substantial estate. Like any good entrepreneur, he didn’t dirty his own hands with the sordid act of homicide, he delegated to a skilled private contractor – who took the money and disappeared. So he delegated again…another 4 times with exactly the same outcome.
Still somehow unable to figure out quite why his hitmen were so unreliable, and unable to find a union to complain to, Monastyrsky took one more chance, on a guy who spent his entire $5000 advance on booze and then ran to the police. The police staged a fake murder of the intended victim, before arresting Monastyrsky after he transferred the remainder of the fee.
14. Never Hire Hitmen With A Conscience
Suspecting that his wife was spreading her wares around like some kind of brazen harlot, Balenga Kalala decided that he had no choice but to take sensible, rational action: her violent and bloody murder. His wife, Noela Rukundo, innocent of her alleged infidelity, was abducted by a group of hitmen who had been paid a far-beneath-market-value $3500 fee to bump her off.
However, after having a nice chat with Rukundo, the hitmen decided that they couldn’t possibly kill a woman. They not only freed her, but also provided her with telephone recordings, transcripts, and wire transfer statements to prove her husband had ordered the hit. What a nice bunch of fellows.
In an ending of additional badassness, Rukundo rocked up to her own wake five days later. Once again displaying a knack for the rational, Kalala naturally assumed this was his wife’s ghost come back to haunt him.
13. Double Homicide is Not Romantic
For lovers Valerie McDaniel and Leon Jacob, murder appeared to be the ideal antidote to the antics of their respective pesky exes.
McDaniel was in a bitter custody battle with her former partner and, even though she herself was a veterinarian, she decided that she wanted someone else to put him to sleep. With a bullet. Probably feeling a bit left out, Jacob decided that his ex – who had filed a complaint that he’d been stalking her – could also do with a fatal seeing to.
Displaying a somewhat lax attitude to due diligence, the pair hired what turned out to be an undercover cop to undertake their hits. In fact, the pair also went into great detail on how they wanted them killed, with Jacob even offering to lend a hand using a syringe of potassium. The police staged the murders, showed photos to the pair, and promptly arrested them.
12. Beware of Angst-ridden Offspring.
Those of us who grew up under the oppressive regime of “my house, my rules” can understand how one might be driven to breaking point by one’s parents. Jennifer Pan took this to a whole new, excessive level.
Following years elaborately deceiving her parents into believing she was attending university, Pan’s lies were uncovered and her parents set out a strict set of house rules, including forbidding her from seeing her boyfriend. This, in addition to the allure of a $500,000 insurance policy, was enough for her to decide that her parents simply had to go.
With the help of her boyfriend, Pan hired hitmen to stage a home-invasion and murder the folks. However, her father survived and mentioned to the police that he saw his daughter talking to one of the men like a friend. 28-year-old Pan was sent to prison, with no chance of parole til she’s 49.
11. Always Get the Contract in Writing.
People don’t just hire hitmen to kill their best friends and loved ones, turns out contract killers have spread their services to the burgeoning suicide market.
However, earlier this year an unnamed Brazilian woman filed a lawsuit against the hitman she hired after he absconded with the advance payment without seeing the job through.
The woman, who had been suffering from depression when she hired the killer, told the presiding judge that her consumer rights had been breached. Her suit was unsuccessful as, the judge informed her, aside from being an illegal enterprise the contract was not signed by a public notary.
10. Texting is Not an Acceptable Form of Communication.
There are certain time honored ways to keep in touch with your assassin. Dead drops, a shadowed meeting in a parking garage. You do not, under any circumstances, use text messaging.
Jeffrey Lytle was not aware of this, and like the clumsy oaf that he was, sent a text message intended for his wife’s killer to his former boss. The message itself was hardly subtle, either: “Hi Shayne how’s it going? Remember you said that you would help me kill my wife. I’m going to take you up on that offer”.
As if sending the message to his boss wasn’t dumb enough, Lytle initially tried to pass the whole thing off by blaming his 4 year old daughter for sending the message. Lytle apparently suggested to the killer that, in addition to a 50/50 split of his wife’s life insurance payout, they’d get an additional $500,000 if they killed his daughter too. Classy guy.
9. You Get What You Pay For.
Like tattoos, cars, and surgery, good assassinations don’t come cheap. In 2015 Texans Christina and Jeffrey Peyton, like any reasonable parents, decided that the time had come to have their daughter’s boyfriend murdered.
Unfortunately, the Peytons couldn’t quite stretch their budget to hire a high-end professional – you know, the kind that wears Ray-Bans and drives a Lexus. No, with a budget of $500, the Peytons attracted someone with an already low-income job – an undercover cop.
Christina Peyton told the cop, “I want him gone. Not out-of-town gone. I want him dead gone.” Because Christina Peyton was apparently auditioning for a role as a redneck mob boss.
8. You Just Can’t Get the Staff…
It’s never easy being the other woman, and when you see your successful lawyer lover’s wife living it up as though she has a legitimate claim on his finances…well, it’s enough to send anyone insane.
Michelle Cabrera Gaiser wanted some of that action, and decided that the only reasonable response was to have Yvonne Stern killed, then casually slip into her place, probably whistling nonchalantly.
Unfortunately, Gaiser couldn’t find a competent assassin. The first attempt, where the hitman shot at Stern’s driveway, occurred when she wasn’t even home. The second involved another assassin ineffectually shooting the front door of her home. The third, while Stern was actually shot, she survived.
7. Always Make Sure You’re Not on TV.
It might seem like a simple thing but, when you’re hiring a hitman, make sure there are no cameras, producers, sound guys…you know, that it looks like real life.
It was just your usual, run-of-the-mill spousal assassination. Dalia Dippolito allegedly decided that she wanted her husband’s $250,000 savings and his house, but without the burden of actually having a husband.
Dippolito offered an undercover cop posing as a hitman $7000 to take care of business, little knowing that her antics were also being filmed for the popular TV show, “Cops”.
A fake hit was staged, all under the lens of the TV cameras, with Dippolito’s tearful reaction to her husband’s “death” and subsequent arrest caught for posterity.
6. Life Shouldn’t Imitate Art
As anybody who watches TV cop dramas could tell you, characters that hire hitmen rarely get away with it. You’d think someone who produces TV cop dramas might have known that too.
David Harris, who had worked as a producer on British TV cop drama, “The Bill”, attempted to hire hitmen to kill his partner, a writer on the same show. He hoped that by having her bumped off, he would inherit her $1 million home and run off with his younger mistress, who he’d met at a brothel.
However, the first hitman he hired warned Harris’ partner of his murderous intentions, while a second tipped off the police, who then sent in an undercover officer to pose as a third contract killer.
5. Virtual Hitmen Are Things That Exist
Not all hits are designed to remove someone from the gene pool, others are intended to assassinate your offspring’s tendency toward the slothful.
In 2013, 24-year-old Xiao Feng’s father decided that his son was spending far too much time playing video games, rather than getting off his worthless butt and finding a job. In a display that’s almost genius in a stupid kind of way, Mr Feng sought out players of his son’s favourite games, players who out-levelled his son in possible statistic. He then paid them to relentlessly hunt down and assassinate Xiao within all of his virtual worlds.
The Fengs, however, appear to be a hardy breed, and rather than buckle under the pressure of repeated virtual murder, Xiao confronted his father and informed him he would continue in his jobless, apathetic existence. One can’t help but wonder how long it’ll be til this case upgrades to the real world.
4. Assassination Is Not A Budgeting Issue.
You can’t help but wonder about some of the thought processes that lead to a person hiring a hitman.
For William Wallace (not the one with the blue face and casual approach to underwear), his foray into the world of hired killers began with a dispute over child support. Initially, Wallace went out to hire a private detective to dig up some dirt to use against his ex-wife in their upcoming court case. Then, once he’d assessed his finances and reasonably weighed up the pros and cons, Wallace decided that – actually – it’d “probably be cheaper” to have his ex murdered instead.
Running with this spendthrift approach, Wallace approached an undercover cop posing as a hitman, and requested that he murder his wife before Christmas that year. Because, let’s face it, you don’t want to have to buy an extra Christmas gift if you don’t need to.
3. Hitmen Don’t Charge On A Sliding Scale.
Federal Prison Officer George Gonzalez decided that he wanted to hire a hitman, but he didn’t want to go quite so far as actually murdering his ex wife and her new partner. He just wanted them beaten beyond repair, which surely must come under a different payment tariff, right?
Gonzalez called up an undercover cop posing as a hitman (does anyone else see a pattern here?), and asked how much it would cost for him to just “beat, maim, and paralyze” the couple. He even suggested a few choice ways this could be achieved, such as taking a hammer to the spine – because there’s nothing hitmen like more than back-seat maimers.
As if to further entice his prospective hitman, Gonzalez also sweetened the deal by suggesting that he would have more “jobs” for him if this one went well.
2. Hitmen Don’t Take On Apprentices.
Hiring a hitman is rarely an opportunity for engaging underprivileged teens in gainful employment. But some people are just philanthropic like that.
In 2016, Christopher Tapia from Albuquerque decided to hire a hitman to have his ex-wife “expired to the point where she won’t be a problem” – whatever the hell that means. The hitman passed this information onto the police, who sent in their own undercover officer to pose as a hired killer. Tapia hired the cop to hospitalize his wife for a month, but with an additional caveat – that he find two boys aged 15 and 16, and pay them $500 to assist him.
Tapia later told the officer that he no longer required his services, and police discovered he’d bought a rifle and some ammo. It’s unknown whether Tapia is now taking a DIY approach, but it might be best to avoid Craigslist requests for teenage “assistants” for the time being.
1. Hire Competent Hitmen For Your State-Sponsored Assassination.
Dumb hitmen hirings aren’t always the work of regular Joes like you and me. Sometimes stupid assassination situations are undertaken by those on the top rung.
In 1997, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu hired two Mossad agents to take down Hamas’ Jordanian Branch Chief, Khaled Mashal. Like the trained professionals they were, they successfully posed as Canadians (because who would suspect Canadians?), entered Mashal’s office, and injected him with a lethal cocktail of drugs. However, unlike most trained professionals, they were foiled when Mashal’s chauffeur clocked the situation, and subsequently beat the syringe-toting assassins with a newspaper.
They were chased from the building by security, and Netanyahu was persuaded to give up the antidote by everyone’s favorite political saxophonist – Bill Clinton.
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