Over the course of my working career, I have learned some valuable lessons. 1 – Say yes now, and learn how to do it later. 2 – Being on time is actually required, and not a courtesy. 3 – Don’t get the boss’s Starbucks order wrong, it never ends well. And number 4 – First impressions always count. The latter is particularly important when you plan on making a decent living.
You may have just set up your own business and have decided to order some fancy business cards to get things going. After all, what better way to say ‘Hey, I’m an adult now’, than little pieces of embossed card with your name on it?
The better the card, the more likely people are to remember you should they ever be in need of a service that you can provide. But, what happens when you get remembered for all the wrong reasons?
From terrible babysitters to personal trainers, I’ve left no stone unturned to provide you with a laugh-worthy list of some of the most cringeworthy and hilarious business cards known to man.
So, before you call the printers, you might want to take some tips from these guys, who have got self-advertising down to a fine art.
20. I’LL KEEP YOUR KIDS ALIVE
As a parent, I know how important it is to be able to leave your kids with a trustworthy individual. If you’re in a jam and are looking to hire a babysitter last minute, then Eric may be just be the guy you’re looking for. Not only are his drawing skills impressive, but he promises no more than he can deliver – a mediocre job. In reality, if you need a babysitter then you’re going out to enjoy life without the little terrors in tow. As long as they’re fed and kept alive, who gives a damn if they’re having fun. Does anyone have Eric’s number?
19. I WILL SHOOT YOU
When you really need some new clients, it’s best to be direct and threatening. That will have them lining up around the block. Luckily, it’s a joke – and I don’t know about you, but I dig it. Humorous and to the point, with a slight hint of mortal danger, this card strikes all the right chords. Although, for a creative job, it’s a little plain. Couldn’t we have a pretty picture of a flower or at least a different color? How about a nice blood red to really grab our attention? But still, A+ to this Morbid Michael. I like it.
18. CARD IS OVERRATED
I feel like this is the kind of business card that Arnold Schwarzenegger would carry around. Even though it looks like a weird smushed dog chew, you have to award points for ingenuity. Personally, I don’t know how I would feel if someone handed me this, though. I’m not even sure that I would be able to stretch it to read it, considering that I have as much strength as a wet paper towel. Do you know anyone that has shunned a traditional card for a different material? Let us know in the comments, we’d love to hear about it. Bonus points for pictures.
17. YOU JUST MET STEVE MARTIN
Whilst not strictly a business card, this is a stroke of self-promotional genius. We all know the white haired Father of the Bride actor, and of course, everyone wants an autograph. Martin came up with this idea to counteract the awkward fumble for pen and paper. Annoyingly, he didn’t do this for long, so you can’t get your hands on one of these bad boys very easily. What a great idea though, from one of America’s best loved comedic actors. It was an even better idea to call himself warm, polite, intelligent and funny. A business card to end all business cards. This one is hard to beat, but let’s try shall we?
16. ARE YOU ALCOHOLIC?
Something tells me that this wasn’t meant to be funny. Was it? Regardless of if it was some sort of error or an intentional try at poor humor, this card earns its spot on this list through sheer irony. Although, let’s face it, an on-call alcohol delivery service aimed specifically at alcoholics might be deplorable, but makes a ton of business sense. The lack of capitalization disturbs me slightly, but if this is done so that liquor has extra impact, it weirdly works. On the overall scale, I rate it A+ for business sense and questionable marketing choices. Well played.
15. JUST STOP
Ever been caught in a situation that you just can’t get out of? Maybe you’re stuck at the office party with Deborah from Purchasing, and you just need to get away. Or, maybe you are so confident that you’re the candidate a person needs that you feel the need to cut out all the small talk and get straight to the point. If you’re into a no-nonsense approach, then this card might be for you. I wonder what industry the creator of this card is in. Written communications, perhaps? Maybe they’re a specialist in video captioning on the side. Probably best not to ask.
14. WE’LL PUT ANYTHING IN OUR MOUTHS
I LOVE THIS ONE. What kind of films do you make with that tagline, View Askew Productions, Inc? It doesn’t bear thinking about. Can you imagine being handed this at a networking event? What a way to counter an awkward introduction. You’d think you’d wondered into a Soho phone booth. If the tagline doesn’t get you calling these guys to congratulate them on a business card well done, the sexy clown director might. What better way to break the ice than to start with a sexual joke? I’m off to give Kevin a call. He sounds like my kind of guy.
13. P TA MON
Need a lawyer? Just call P Ta Mon! It’s like, totally legit, honest. The other great thing about this (okay, one of the many great things), is that this guy isn’t pretending to be anything he’s not. This guy isn’t a stuffy lawyer. This guy is fly AF. Why go for those boring gold embossed run of the mill cards when you can make your own mini billboard? Wait, why stop there? RENT A BILLBOARD AND PUT THIS ON IT. If this doesn’t grab your attention then I don’t know what will. It’s even better than Better Call Saul and that was fictional. People spent time coming up with that for entertainment purposes. I am sold, and keeping this card for future reference.
12. FREE STRIPPER
I have a feeling that John got a fair few Janes taking him up on this offer. Is it just a desperate way to grind on women? Of course not. I’m sure that John is most likely an apprentice stripper, merely looking to build up his work portfolio. How else do you think the cast of Magic Mike got their big break? You thought Channing Tatum started out as a dancer? Oh no. Tatum started out running all over town handing out cards just like these to find a lap to gyrate on. That’s a lie, but I weirdly like the fantasy.
11. HAVE BRAIN, WILL TRAVEL
You got me. This one isn’t real. But c’mon, it has to be included. It’s a business card, it’s funny – and most likely it’s been replicated in real life. I’m actually slightly annoyed for not having thought of this myself. My brain and willingness to travel are my two of my top selling points. Wile E. Coyote and I have that in common. I wonder what job role Wile E. would find himself in, if he was a human. Bounty hunter, perhaps? Professional stalker? Whatever the job, they’d be lucky to have someone as dedicated as Wile E. Coyote doing it, that’s for damn sure.
10. SOMEWHERIN ALASKA
Have you ever seen anything more lovable in your entire life? I want to hire Gene Ferguson as my photographer, gardener, handyman, accountant – any job that he wants, he can have it. Hell, I’d even hire him to be my grandpa. If the smiling picture isn’t enough, the location ‘A Van down by the river Somewherein, Alaska’ is just heart melting. Where are you Fergie? Are you still looking for work? I got you, bro. Brb, I’m off to purchase a one way ticket to Somewherein, to find my new BFF. We’ll live in his van and survive off fresh fish from the river, whilst taking Instagram worthy candids.
9. WILL DO ANYTHING
It’s an employer’s market. Where’s the sense in limiting yourself to one area of expertise when you can do a million things badly? Cover your bases and someone will call on you eventually. Need a virgin verified or a tiger tamed? Al Wiggins is the name and he’s your guy. Not only a daring orgy organizer, Al can cater to the softer side of the market too and provides a second-to-none widow comforting service. Really, it makes you wonder why most of us have pigeon holed ourselves into one career pathway our entire lives, when we could be like Al. Let’s be more like Al.
8. DON’T SHOW ME YOUR BUTTCRACK
This could be a card for the Fashion Police. Personally, I’m firmly of the belief that you can wear whatever the hell you want and as long as you’re happy, then ignore the rest of the world (within reason, as long as you’re not showing me your junk, I don’t care). The owner of this pretty rude card has obviously taken it upon themselves to right the fashion wrongs of the world, in the most brazen way possible. I wonder how they go down with the offending members of society? I would imagine it will probably be easy to identify the card giver. They’ll be the ones walking around with two black eyes.
It’s really annoying me that I can’t read the text on this card to work out what profession this is. I’m thinking either a surgeon that specializes in either breast augmentation or breast reconstruction. What do you think? Either way, it’s an inventive and entertaining card that you won’t forget anytime soon. The only downside? You might be forever known as the doctor with the boobie card, but there are worse things to be known as, right? You could be the doctor no one remembers at all. Plus, look at the boobie fabric. An excellent choice. It looks so soft. Just like the real thing.
6. F***K YOU
As a writer, I feel like this is the card of my dreams. Of course, it’s important to be open to criticism in any role you have. There’s an emphasis on the ability to take it and improve yourself in pretty much any industry. But, that doesn’t mean that anyone likes it. There’s nothing worse than working on a project that takes a lot of time, only for it to be torn to shreds by some D-bag who is about as much use as a paper bag in a storm. I feel like this just saying what we’re all thinking. Round of applause.
This is what happens when you haggle too much over a price with the printer. Analyst you say? Analrapist, say I. It’s a shame as this is a nice card. Smart font, elegant framing and subtle coloring. The harsh black lettering of ANALRAPIST sort of throws the whole aesthetic off, don’t you think? Regardless, this is a card that I would be happy to receive. If happy to receive means running off in the opposite direction and finding the first police officer I can find, that is. I wonder how many poor old Tobias got printed. A batch of 500, or maybe even a thousand? What a bummer.
4. YES, I AM TALL
I feel your exhaustion, mystery tall man. I’m not overly tall myself, but I still feel your pain. It must be pretty frustrating to have every introduction start with ‘Gosh, you’re tall’, as if it’s the only thing memorable about you. You could have all of the qualifications in the world, but be remembered as – ‘Oh, yeah, the really tall guy. What’s his name again?’ You’ve taken matters into your own hands and pipped them to the post. That’ll show them. Now, you’ll be remembered as the salty tall guy that assumes everyone cares about his height. *Insert eyeroll*
3. ZERO F***S GIVEN
Remember way back at number 17 (Steve Martin), when I said that it would be hard to beat? I think I may have found my new favorite. There is something super enticing about this ‘To hell with everything, it’s not my problem anymore’ card. Lloyd has broken free from the chains of employment. He is doing what he wants, when he wants. But – rather than give up the habit of handing out business cards, he’s got some specially made for the occasion. The aim? To make you feel extra depressed when you crawl back to your desk on Monday morning.
2. REMEMBER MY NAME
You remember in the ’80s when it was a trend to just go by one name? That’s where this guy is stuck. Or, Dave needs no introduction. After all, everyone knows a Dave (or 50), right? Maybe this Dave is so notorious that it’s all he needs to put on a card. Anything else, like his phone number, job description etc., would just be superfluous. There may even be a type of Dave signal out there somewhere, akin to the bat signal. Need a Dave? Just look to the skies. Or, walk down the street and shout. I guarantee you’ll find at least one in 0.5 seconds.
1. TO BE SURE
As a half-Irish woman myself, I know how talented Irish men are. For a start, they are able to drink anyone under the table. They are able to sink more pints of Guinness in a single sitting than should be humanly possible. The jaunty accent and happy-go-lucky attitude? All part and parcel of the job. The best part? Americans love it. Maybe the market was primed by Gerard Butler’s terrible Irish accent in P.S I Love You. What’s more, Gene McLane is capitalizing on it and offering his services out for hire. You can count on him to liven a party up in no time.
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