You’ve found the perfect job, and now you need the perfect resume to knock their socks off. From painstakingly choosing the perfect font to milking every aspect of your career experience, this carefully crafted sheet of A4 is your gateway into that successful life you’ve always dreamed of.
A quick Google search throws up multiple websites showing you what to put on your resume and how to entice those potential employers into believing — sorry, knowing that there is no one better to fill that empty chair next to Doreen in Accounting than you. You are sleek, you are professional. After all, first impressions count, and everyone knows that…right?
Wrong. It might be hard to believe in this technological age that there are some of us out there that manage to spectacularly fail at the first hurdle. Who needs to use those stale keywords like ‘dynamic’ and ‘dependable’, when you can showcase your cat-like reflexes or penchant for cocking pasta?
Forget what you think you know about resume writing. Get a notepad at the ready, and let these guys give you the ultimate masterclass in how to make sure you leave an impression that lasts longer than the great office Christmas party of ’06.
Here are the 25 Worst Job Resumes of All Time.
25. YOU CAN CALL ME CHAIRMAN MEOW
What else could you possibly be looking for in an employee than acne lancing? With cat-like reflexes and a laugh like a horse, Eric is the ultimate man animal that every office needs. He brings with him the promise of expansive knowledge, and the desire to change – but why would you want him to? After all, he knows the entire McDonald’s menu off by heart, which will be extra handy when he gets hired as the office lunch gopher. If you’re lucky he’ll even deliver your order with a sexy dance. But be careful, this kitten’s got claws and big ideas. Holla!
24. NICE TO MEAT YOU
Let this be a valuable lesson in editing to everyone there ever was, ever. Unless of course there is an entire side of food services that just isn’t known to us common folk. There could be an entire multi-million-dollar industry out there, just waiting to be, urm, tapped. If this is the case, then this candidate is gunning for the CEO position. Just check out that extensive experience. Clearly a veteran of the Vagina Food Corps, he’s been there and done that. Vagina meat cutting, vagina prep, even vagina pizza. If there’s a vagina kitchen open, he’s been in it. And let’s not even talk about the training.
23. ONCE UPON A TIME…
In resume writing, there are those who are for putting a candid snap of themselves on the top, handsomely dressed and smiling like it’s their senior prom. There are also those who are against putting a picture of themselves on, should it lead to some sort of bias. Then, there’s RICKY FUCKING SANTANGELO who creates his own rules. Ricky has seen some shit, man. We can only presume that ‘some shit’ was a high-security mental facility that made the mistake of taking him out for ice cream, thus letting Ricky plan his escape and jump on the first tour bus he found whilst running down the high way barefoot and possibly naked. Let this be a lesson to you. Team photo always wins.
22. HE WON’T DICK AROUND
It’s not easy to get to top Cock level. There are a lot of things standing in your way. For a start, it’s a very competitive industry. The world is full of grade A Cocks, all hungry for the opportunity to make their mark in the restaurant biz. However, this guy is a strong contender, with a variety of experience cocking just about anything he can find in the kitchen, from pasta to just any old dinner. You’d be hard pressed to find anyone to match his culinary talents. After all, cocking for up to 150 people requires the kind of stamina that just isn’t easy to come by these days.
21. WHAT’S THE NAME OF THAT FILM AGAIN?
You would like to think that if you got the opportunity to work with the great Martin Scorsese you’d probably remember how to spell his name on your resume. In fact, you would like to think that if you put any film credit on your resume you’d get the name of the movie right. The Devil Wears Prague? What’s that movie about, exactly? Meryl Streep bossing around a bunch of Czechs in expensive shoes? That’s a movie I’d like to see. Maybe it’s time for a career change for this candidate. I hear there’s a national shortage in Music Cookers.
20. OOPS. MY BAD.
Wow. An impressive background in Account Sales. This candidate clearly knows how to write a resume. He’s done his research, he’s got his format down. The job is so close, almost within reach. He can taste it. What better way to seal the deal than to include a brief mention of the intimate encounter with a chimpanzee on that off the cuff trip to Africa in the 50’s? It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Remember kids, don’t annoy your friends and then ask them to print off a few copies of your resume for you. TRUST NO-ONE.
19. INTERESTS INCLUDE POLITICS AND HITLER
Let’s take a moment to think about what employers really want from an employee. Enthusiasm? Check. Flexibility? Check. Nazism? Wait, what? Perhaps we’ve got it all wrong, and this candidate was just trying to show his ability to follow leadership blindly, no matter what their agenda. Maybe you want to change the uniform policy and scrape a few dollars off the hourly wage, or fire everyone with brown hair because they remind you of your ex. That’s all fine by this guy. No complaints there. Although, you’d never hire him because let’s face it, no one wants to deal with that HR shit storm that will inevitably follow.
18. NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE
Now that’s an impressive education. Yale, Harvard, Oxford and DeVry. That’s an impressive feat for any one person. Not to mention the winning of the lesser known Puletsur Prize, something most people who list ‘General life experience’ in the experience section can only dream of achieving. Something tells me that there’s a bit more fantasy in this resume than just fantasy football. But, hey. No references, no problem. We’ll take your word for it. After all, who hasn’t had all the HR departments at all the places they’ve ever worked spontaneously combust at the same time? It’s such a drag when that happens, isn’t it?
17. COLLEGE IS FOR LOSERS
What better way to approach an employer who is probably college educated than by telling them college sucks? If alienation isn’t your bag, then just be sure to emphasize that you are really tech savvy. You’ve got texting down to a fine art and even better, have extensive talking experience, because who else could possibly have that, other than every single human on the planet? Oh, and don’t forget rule no.1 in resume writing. Make sure that you are a mass of contradictions, a regular mystery. Keep them guessing. This candidate has that down to a fine art, proudly stating that they are the best ‘customer service type person’, but also demanding $40 an hour for having to deal with customers, so they can pay their way through ‘cosmetalogie’ school. Obviously. Know your worth, people. If that doesn’t work, just whack HIRE ME repeatedly at the bottom, sit back and wait for that call.
16. HIRE ME, LOL
Hi bbz. Lkin 4 a kwl job pls. Tnx. It’s vitally important to ensure your future boss knows that you are down with ‘it’, whatever ‘it’ may be. The shunning of multiple adjectives for the simple repetitive use of ‘Good’ shows a real level of consistency, don’t you think? Why be excellent, superb or exemplary when you can just be plain, boring, good. If that weren’t enough, showcase your attention to detail by divulging your finely honed self-grooming skills. Who knows, maybe there will be a unibrow or two to tweeze, or a child in need of diabetes or a tattoo. Gd lck bbz.
15. WOOOOOOAH, MAMA!
Knowing your career objective is something that takes a lot of thought for a lot of us. How do we want to progress? Does working in Sales really ring our bell? Then there’s the ever-present threat of disappointing everyone around us (sorry, mom). But not this person. Oh, no. This person knows exactly what they want, and they have their own special brand of urm, ‘customer service’, to help them along the way. This resourceful candidate makes the most of their positions to try and get dates and passively insult customers, with the ultimate goal of living a life Caligula himself would envy. Live the dream, my friend. Someone should.
14. C/O TITTYFACE JENKINS
Just like the photo scenario we saw back at no. 23, references are down to personal preference. If you’re going to add them to your resume, then be sure to give out the full details. If you don’t know their actual name, don’t sweat it. Make sure they are easily identifiable by describing their body odour, or even better, referring to them by the name affectionally given to them by their childhood bully. If all else fails, get them to call your creepy 10th grade teacher and round it off with a phone call to your Mom. She’ll definitely give you a 5-star reference if it means you’ll move out before you’re 40.
13. IT’S A MIRACLE WE FOUND YOU
If the edgy spelling of ‘house’ didn’t sway you, then we can only pray that the references might. Whilst most us have to scramble together a list of previous bosses that we didn’t annoy too much to give us a decent reference, this person has the reference to end all references. Six years’ experience, free estimate and a reference from God? Sold. How does someone in the house cleaning biz get a reference from the Lord Almighty himself, you ask? We have no idea, but we bet it has something to do with cleaning churches, polishing pulpits and not avoiding the collection tin.
12. HEY, YOU, UGLY GUY
Anything you can do, this guy can do twice over. Not one, but two heights. Not just 215 Ibs but also 245 Ibs when required. This is the kind of dedication that you can only dream of having in an actor. This is the school of acting that founded the great Ugly Guy actors of yesteryear. It’s important to really make the most out of those credentials. After all, in this business we call a show, there’s a high demand for those brave enough to take on the role of terrible lover and hairy stamp collector. We can’t all be Brad Pitt. Sometimes, you have to be Weird Al. And that’s okay.
11. THERE’S A SNAKE IN MY BOOT
Looking after kids isn’t easy. Those blessed little bundles of other people’s joy aren’t always the picture of innocence their parents would have you believe. That’s where this candidate comes in. Ideally suited to a hostile environment, they will have those little whippersnappers contained and obeying orders in no time. After all, an encounter with a deadly, venomous snake is simply a rite of passage, to remind the little love bugs that life is always just around the corner, ready to bite them on the ass when they least expect it. Scare mongering. The key to a successful career in childcare and beyond.
10. FULL DISCLOSURE
It can be tough out there for a former gangster. So tough in fact, that sometimes the best option is to skip a resume altogether and just go for a very public advertisement. That way, you can avoid those pesky questions on criminality and just come straight out with it. With references from no other than the U.S. District Attorney, why wouldn’t you want this guy in a trusted position in your company? Every office has a master of deception (I know it was you that took my sandwich, Allen), why not hire a professional? Plus, if business dealings go awry at any point, we bet he’s got some contacts that can sort things out quicker than you can say legalize.
9. THIS IS MY RESUME
Nothing speaks more to an employer than the reek of desperation and despair. If this is the route that you’re going to go down, then be sure to title it with the idea in mind that your future boss is a moron and won’t recognize a resume when he sees one. When it comes to the specifics of experience, this candidate hasn’t wasted any time dilly dallying. What can’t they do? Nothing, you idiot. They’re a child of the information age. And of course, that comes with the kind of brazen self-confidence that money can’t buy, which is good because with their minimum wage work history, they can’t afford it.
8. HE’S A BOSS
One of the most important things to think about when looking for a job is the level of commitment you’re willing to give the role. If you’re not willing to suck a dick, better make that clear from the get to avoid any misunderstandings further down the line. Knowing your good points is also a bonus, and this guy makes it clear that he knows his. In case you missed it, he’s A BOSS at working. There’s no one more BOSS than him, or better looking for that matter. Take a leaf out of his book if the job you’re applying for is staring in the mirror admiring yourself 24/7. You’ll definitely hire you.
7. WELL, THIS IS AWKWARD
This is the horror of all horrors. We are 99.9% certain that the sender of this disastrous blunder has since given up on life and retreated into a cave, never to be seen again. Is there anything worse than making a simple typo that inadvertently turns your past work experience into STARING AT 2-4-YEAR-OLD CHILDREN? It probably didn’t get them the job in childcare. It absolutely did make its way round the office email to be giggled at and eventually land up on the internet to be mocked some more. Life can be cruel, and so can we.
6. EARNEST AND ENERGETIC LEADING MAN
Another golden rule in resume writing? Avoid using the terms rape/rapist/raping or any variant thereof. These are what are known in the employment world as ‘really stupid things to put on your resume, regardless of context’. There is absolutely no context in the world that puts the word ‘rapist’ in the hire-able category, which is a shame because those professional head shots probably cost a pretty penny. Although, now we think of it, the one of the far right does look a little bit…predatory. There is no amount of Earnest and Energetic with capital E’s that will get this guy a call back.
5. I WILL FIND YOU
It can be difficult to find a job in this day and age. It’s an employer’s market. Sometimes, there are hundreds and hundreds of candidates going for the same position at the same company. How could one possibly stand a chance of progressing their career without adding a threat to kill someone’s offspring into the mix? It’s forward planning. It shows initiative, whilst displaying the deep-rooted desire to do absolutely anything to succeed – and the entire thing is excellently formatted to boot. That, or this is the resume of a future serial killer that we’ll all be watching a documentary on Netflix about someday.
4. YOU CAN CALL ME BUSTER. BUSTER BLUTH.
As we’ve established, we are team photo all the way. Buster earns bonus points for this shot, in which he notably has two hands, despite later telling us that one was bitten off, stopping him from almost joining the army. Is it a prosthetic? Was the photo taken pre-bite? We may never know. There’s something admirable in the originality of the ‘Specials Skills’ section, most notably the disclosure of animals he won’t interact with. Maybe a seal bit off his hand and fed it to a sheep/bird? Perhaps we can shoot a quick email off to Buster’s brother in law at firstname.lastname@example.org to find out once and for all.
3. THAT’S A RED CARD
If we have learned one thing so far, it’s that attention to detail is key to striking the right chord with your resume. But, what does it mean?! What does this say to you? Let me tell you. It’s as if the candidate wants to put the future boss in touch with the referees of their lost high school soccer games. For what reason? I’m betting an undeserved red card that lost them scholarship to the college of their choice, thus sending them on a spiral to PS3 addiction, and even worse – rugby. This is simply a cry for answers, in the tone of ‘What went wrong?’
2. 80085 SPELLS BOOBS
Your ability to use computers and all the relevant software is important to an employer. No one wants someone who has never touched a computer in their life and doesn’t have the desire to, let alone someone who isn’t comfortable with using a calculator. Can you image such a thing? I can only imagine that this person has had some sort of encounter with a calculator at some point in his or her life that has lead them to re-evaluate their comfort level to be in the same proximity as the trusty device. The alternative is that someone would think this is actually a skill, and that’s too dire to even contemplate.
1. THE CAGE FACTOR
Okay. It’s not strictly a resume but it is in the same field of job seeking despair. There is a valuable lesson to be learned here. Vanessa is reaching out with a technique unique to any of those we have seen so far. This is the Nicholas Cage technique, and it is not for the fainthearted. This could make or break an offer of employment. Few will appreciate the avant garde-ness of the Nic Cage approach, but you can be sure that if they do, then you have found your tribe. All that’s left for you to do is march into that office and say, ‘You’ll be seeing a lot of changes around here. Papa’s got a brand-new bag.’ MIKE DROP.
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